6 Essential Tips To Take Your Festival Game To The Next Level

Be the change you want to see in the world – society has been gradually declining since the days of Stereosonics. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not but it’s time to bring back the shirtless fuckhammer at festivals aesthetic.

Go on, just do it. Make sure to spend 90% of your day dancing with your muzz-crew by the portable toilets and admiring your own physique. It’s what the world needs. It’s what the world deserves. More on this guy HERE.

Fashion – Girls, dress like a walking inspirational meme that is shared by the kinds of people who consider hashtagging to be their career strength. Essentially you are looking to strike a balance between faux-spirituality and actual stripping.

Fellers – if your rig isn’t ready to go shirtless always remember that there are two types of people who wear Akubra hats: jackaroos and cunts. You know which one you are.

Plan your Photos – You didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on your outfit and ticket to not plaster the day all over social media. Make sure to take enough photos of yourself before the combined effects of MD and alcohol make you look like a victim of The Ring in every photo.

Also, if you tend to dance like a methed up frog with electrodes attached to its balls, probably avoid those Snapchat vids. Oh, and girls, if you don’t get a photo of yourself on someone’s shoulders, you’ve failed not just at festivals but at life. Similarly, if you’re a 10 and you don’t pose with the local cops on the scene, then are you even living in the moment?

Fence Jumping – Couldn’t wrangle that credit card from dad? Your pyramid scheme not paying off like it used too? Not to worry, fence jumping is a festival tradition. Think of it like you are storming the beaches of Normandy and get behind some hefty units which look like they have the speed of our NBN network. They will be the first to be ensnared in the jaws of security, while you gallop to freedom like a frugal gazelle.

The Music – Make sure you listen to Triple J in the lead up to the festival so you can smugly swing your musical dick around when your group discusses which acts to see. Of course, none of it will really matter when you probably miss every single one of those acts because you’re too busy posing for photos or rambling like a mature aged student on dexies 2 minutes before the lecture finishes.

Wristband – In your defence, you have left no stone unturned on social media in letting people know you attended a music festival. However, what if someone doesn’t follow you? How will they know? Easy, just wear your wrist band for as long as possible. Even if it is covered in every regrettable bodily fluid from the day.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?