Abs-Brah vowed to never muzz again after Australian society turned on the shirtless festival turbos that were an absolute staple of the 2000s festival scene.
Scorned by his adoring crowd, Abs-Brah hung up his wristband and transitioned into a life beyond the squalid port-a-loo.
For years he lived a lie. Trying desperately to make himself believe that he was over it and those days of oiling himself up to peacock around a music festival were done. That’s until he landed a free ticket to Laneway festival today.
Something deep inside of him rumbled. He knew what had to be done. It’s no shock to anyone that the world is still healing from the events of the past 3 years and Abs-Brah has the medicine. He told The Times,
“I think culturally, shirtless turbo fuckknuckles at festivals was a kind of highwater mark for us. Jealousy eventually took over and festivals began enforcing a shirt-on policy but deep down everyone wanted them back if only to laugh at”
Abs-Brah is up early to prepare for the festival in the only way he knows how. He continued,
“I just tripled-dosed some pre-workout. Two scoops in the shaker one up my clacker aha, shelve it brah. Now I’m going to tense my arm muscles for a few hours to really get those veins popping. I was worried I’d forgotten how to muzz but I put on some early 2000s house and it all came flowing back”
However, being in his mid 30s, Abs-Brah does have some concerns about whether he indeed “still has it”. He looked solemnly at some old photos from his golden era. Telling The Times,
“My rig isn’t what it used to be but I think you can all agree that this headband makes me look like a massive shitcunt. I’m not sure if I’m gonna roll in shirtless or reveal it to the crowd while I’m there. I reckon I probably should just not bring any shirt at all. Fully commit like the old days”
His goals today you may ask? He just wants to get a good-lookin’ girl on his shoulders one last time. Also shelving something in the filthy portaloo would be a plus but he’ll take what he can get.
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