Not everyone can be a Melbourne-bound jetsetting GF high flyer and attend the G. Don’t despair, a grand final day party can be pretty good as long as you and your flock of gooses you call friends can avoid some common faux pas.
The Set-Up – You will not be forgiven for making your mates crowd around an old 30-inch television with a thicker backside than Winnie the Pooh after failing to outrun the bees after a honey tree raid.
If you don’t have the setup, don’t put your hand up. Ideally, you’ll arrange a projector – don’t believe the lies your last Tinder date told you, size does matter.
The Snacks – the snack selection is your orchestra and you are the conductor. Take control or you’ll end up with 20 tubs of salsa and a pile of Aldi brand corn chips. Ensure you have the right person for the job on the main player: the cob loaf. Prepare for conflict if competing cobs enter the arena.
There is no greater joy in life than seeing your drunk mates get their snouts in a ripper AFL day spread. Even if they are a bunch of double dipping, finger licking swine. Allow it for the day.
The BBQ– Your ability to cook on your own BBQ reflects directly on your worth as a human. A hot plate isn’t the Gulf of Mexico, and you ain’t BP, so ease up on that oil.
If the once succulent matter needs to be identified via dental records you will be judged as the neglectful drunk you are.
The drinks – be on high alert for the cheapkent switcheroo. This will typically present itself in the form of a mate bringing a 6 pack of dogshit and conveniently grabbing far superior froffs out of the esky when he’s thirsty.
The acceptable Aussie penalty for this crime is to make him go on any ice runs. You never have enough ice and the more time this cretin is away the fewer good froffs will be pilfered.
Leftovers Corner – In the bathroom of life, you’ll always have to deal with a disgusting build-up of scum in the corner. Make sure you set up a table away from the main pack for all social-pests that find their way to your BBQ.
People who only brought a 6-pack, people who keep asking which team just scored and worst of all the partners of mates who “doesn’t like sports” and calls it sportsball. What are they doing at your BBQ? Fark knows, but apply the CLR cold civility and don’t let them drag you down.
Pre Game Entertainment – Dust off the footy and get far too competitive over a game of king of the pack. Now, taking a hanger off your girlfriend’s back may not seem like a good idea, but after knocking back the better part of a 30 block, it sure does.
Remember backyard footy is serious and you’re playing for sheep stations like you were a toey Kiwi.
Section off any Collingwood supporters – in a perfect world, you’d simply not invite these turds in the punchbowl but this is not a perfect world and one or two may slip in.
Just remain optimistic and remember the great events of 2018. To see Eddie meltdown is to see the face of God. Of course, if they get up (always a strong chance) then you’ll have to take immediate evasive action from all media and the supporters in your midst.
The Aftermath – If your team loses, remember that you will never be hurting as much as your fiscally irresponsible mate who lost all 3 multis he put on for the day (for more: Mr Sportsbet).
For you, it’s just a game, for him it’s Aldi canned food and a grovelling phone call to the parents for rent money next month.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?