6 Important Tips for Hosting a BBQ

People’s Food Bullshit – with each year passing the treacherous waters of people’s food bullshit gets harder and harder to navigate. There are officially more allergies than ingredients so you will be expected to provide a minimum of 3 hot plates and 10 BBQ liners.

Think you can offer to just wipe down a hot plate? You monster, that’s like injecting smack on a bed that Freddy Mercury, Easy-E and Magic Johnson just finished a bukake on.

Cookery – your ability to cook on your own BBQ reflects directly on your worth as a human. Resist the urge to oil up the hot plate like you were BP on a Gulf of Mexico sailing trip, because you will be judged as a neglectful drunk if your food will need to be identified by its dental records.

Also, never allow yourself to be de-tonged. Inevitably you will have some uncle who thinks he’s God’s gift to the grill, if you allow yourself to be de-tonged you will lose your pride like the losing lion in a Serengeti bush meat scrap.

The Turd in the Punchbowl – you know this dicksplash, he will rock up with a 6 pack of Carlton Dry and a 12 pack of the cheapest Coles’ snags and then gorge on the generous offerings of others. Even worse, he is probably one of your good mates.

Learning to accept that some people are tighter than Michael Hutchence’s tie is part of life. Pre-empt his arrival and assign him a shit job like detouring to pick up ice. It’s the little victories.

Craft beer – similar to above, anticipate at least 3 guests rocking up with only 4 cans of beer so nuanced that it needs to cost $80 for the lot. Watch these types get sloppy in no time thanks to the outrageous alcohol % of the tins.

Now watch these types disregard everything they believe in and rummage through eskies for any extra beer to keep their buzz going. Enjoy the sight of them slumming it with a Corona. Don’t say anything just keep it in your arsenal for their next pleb beer outburst.

Leisure Activities – to multiple generations of Australians getting drunk is an activity in itself. Some would argue the only hobby worth pursuing at a sunny BBQ. However, if you want to stem the tide of sleep-urination, you may want to engage in some enjoyable lawn games – kick to kick, Bocce, Fishka etc.

Of course, one must walk the line between “getting into it” and “over-competitive fuckhead” carefully. It’s OK to lose, it’s not OK to come steaming in and bowl a full over of bouncers at your 8 year old niece. Learn the line.

Leftovers – there are two types of people in this cruel world. Those who reward your hospitality by leaving the leftover beers, sauces and chips, and the dick-splash who fiendishly reclaims his 2 precious stubbies like an unemployed Gollum before dole day.

A roadie or two is acceptable but keep an eye on people at the end because true mates accept that some things are like an unloved child at Adventure World, and should be left behind.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?