Home The Human Zoo WA Culture & Notable Events Mr Craft Beer Snob

Mr Craft Beer Snob

Craig looks like the end result of a lonely lumberjack banging his chainsaw and breeding an even bigger tool. His weird beer beret compliments his manky Ned Kelly beard and his rolled up flanno reveals tattoos that are about as unique as daddy-issues on an episode of Married at First Sight. 

Craig’s friends watch on as he reaches into his cooler bag and pulls out a can of ‘Jedi Juice’… and then his own fancy beer glass. “Mate, we have glasses here”. Craig rolls his eyes, “you see the curvatures on this glass? It’s ideal for a New England IPA, pretty much the only IPAs worth drinking anymore”. 

Craig slowly pours his beer in his special wanker glass and then carries on like Pete Evans’ tasting a contestant’s activated bone broth on My Cuntchen Rules, “now that’s a beer, just enough bite and you can really taste the haze, about time you guys stepped up your beer game hey”.

Halfway through a frenzied rant about why Pirate Life are sell outs and the term “craft beer” has lost all meaning due to corporate acquisitions he spots a mate enter through the back gate with a carton of Corona. 

Craig is so enraged he devolves back into some kind of beer-ape and starts flinging as much shit as possible. “CORONA! HA, I wouldn’t clean my balls with that”. His mate anticipated this and frankly doesn’t care, he has a mighty thirst on and plans to sink more vessels than the Bermuda Triangle, so rack off Craig. 

During the Corona assault, the acquaintance he was boring managed to slip away, so he turns to the next closest victim and starts banging on about the next beer from his magical sack of attention seeking, a Watermelon Smash, “I predicted Berliner Weisse to fall off in 2018, but this is a gem, sours are probably a bit advanced for you though”.

An hour passes and Craig polishes off the 6 cans of beer and 1 growler he brought to the party. He would’ve bought more but the price he paid for beer snobbery was already about $75. Tail between his legs, he asks his mate if he could have a Corona (or 10), “oh you want a Corona? Thought you wouldn’t clean your balls with one? They must be extra filthy then Craig ”

Admittedly, Craig’s mate is annoyed that this sack of shit is necking all his “pleb” beers, but on the other hand nothing goes better with a Corona than a big juicy slice of calling someone out on their bullshit.