Awkward scenes befell a local BBQ today after the self-appointed grillmaster failed to demonstrate he had what it took to cook a BBQ for 25 people.
We spoke to a witness at the scene who said executive action had to be taken. He told The Times,
“We saw him pick up the tongs and everyone was waiting for that reassuring double click that sends a message to everyone waiting for lunch that he knows what he’s doing and won’t make a dog’s breakfast of it. We waited a decent 5 minutes and it never came so we sent in big Dave”
Big Dave told The Times that he got no pleasure in what transpired and that he believed it was ultimately kinder that way. Adding,
“Yeah look, I tried to take him aside but he’d already had a flare-up after adding an overly greasy load of chicken skewers to the hot plate. Bloke was useless so I had to detong him. No man ever wants to have to detong another bloke but that’s what I did”
Despite his protests and desperate attempts to claw the tongs back, he was ultimately bested by the big feller who received an ocular round of applause from surrounding uncles when he held the tongs high and double clicked.
A witness at the scene describes what happened next,
“You should’ve see Big Dave go. He got the chicken fire under control with by expertly cooling the area with a bit of his beer. He then turned his attention to making sure all the onions would be ready with the snags. It was beautiful poetry”
After going and sitting in the shallow end of his pool, the detonged man finally emerged from his spirit quest to thank Big Dave. He told The Times,
“I wasn’t cut out for the job and I let my pride take over. Big Dave emasculated me in front of my wife but he cooked a dang good BBQ and isn’t that the most important thing?”
His wife certainly thinks so as she currently plays footsies with Big Dave under the table.
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