With two weeks until the staff X-Mas bash, HR manager Rebecca is desperate to show she still has what it takes to be agile and find innovative ways to ensure the X-Mas party is an unmitigated borefest.
One must understand that Rebecca is coming off an incredible 2020 effort where she was able to really work the “new normal” into the party plans and created a perfect synergy between Kafkaesque internal bureaucracy and an illusion of a good time.
In 2021, each team within the company had to submit a safety plan detailing how each member of that team would adhere to social distancing and provide a summary of how they would hit their targets on 3 key party KPIs – intoxication mitigation, appropriate relationships, and acting in a way conducive to fun.
A member of a team that inevitably fell foul of their party plan told The Times,
“Have you ever tried having a little boogie with Rebecca watching over the dancefloor like a fun vulture? Anyone seen offending the 1.5m square rule was given a hula hoop with strings to put around their waist. She also had veto on any song that she felt could encourage a member of staff to stray from their party safety plan”
Rebecca took a moment away from analysing DISC profiles and told us,
“I’m really trying to pivot this year’s party away from old ideas of enjoyment. I’ve already organised the first ¾ of the party to be team-building exercises but the bosses told me that I had to find ways to ruin it further. So I’ve turned my attention to the 2-hour open bar component of the day”
Deciding to take this interview offline, Rebecca began spitballing ideas she had for the only part of the day the employees were likely to enjoy. Including keeping a digital register of every drink consumed by each employee for later analysis and a yellow/red card system for behaviour that didn’t suit her “brand” of partying. She told us,
“Now, you’d really reconsider that 4th beer if you knew you’d have a 45-minute post-party appraisal explaining why 3 didn’t satisfy your needs for inebriation at work the following business day. Similarly, to nip any inappropriate acts between staff a stern yellow carding will destroy any blossoming displays of lust. Public humiliation is a fantastic tool”
It’s clear that Rebecca has some pretty innovative ways to suck any morsel of fun out of this event like a party destroying Dyson set on maximum suckage. It’s without question why she’s the best in the business.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
