REPORT: sons of Perth’s boat owners have about 1 hour to replace those flares 

The Socceroos’ 2-1 loss to Lionel Messi (or Argentina as the team is sometimes known) was celebrated through the night in Northbridge with fans letting off flares to honour the occasion. 

Which is heartbreaking news for the sons of Perth’s boat owners who almost certainly nabbed dad’s boat key to help themselves to some premo flares. It could’ve been the perfect crime except for two pertinent factors. 

Firstly, WA media has reported that camping & fishing shops are completely sold out of the safety devices. Secondly, they should’ve checked their dad’s boating schedule first. On this delightful 31 degree day, the city’s dads are going to be itching to get nautical. 

We spoke to William the 3rd who has unsuccessfully tried to contact a variety of stores in search for some replacement flares. Sweating from sleep deprivation, hangover, and fear of being booted from the will he told The Times,

“Dad takes boat safety very seriously. Especially after I crashed it back in 2011 and caused a bit of an incident at Rotto. As soon as he double checks all safety equipment is on board he’ll know it’s me”

We spoke to William’s dad who said a good captain always knows when something doesn’t feel right. He told The Times,

“It comes with the territory of being a salty sea dog like myself. When I saw the news reports of all those flares I know my moron son would’ve been in the action with my flares. We’ll see but if he delays my captain of the sea fantasy today I’ll take to him with my bare hands”

We understand that William eventually came to clean to his father after being unable to locate some replacement flares. He told his dad that he saw the au pair sniffing around the boat keys and asked him for directions to the yacht club. William’s dad told The Times,

“Blaming a lowly paid immigrant worker for his fuckup was the first time I’ve been proud of the boy for a long time. All is forgiven son, all is forgiven”

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