To some, the weekend is a beautiful oasis in the desert of life obligation. Some relax, some party and others risk divorce by diving into the labyrinthian hell of IKEA to participate in the Swede’s wicked retail game. 

Steph is the latter and wakes up Brett, her hungover hubby, with the delightful news that they’ll be descending into the 9th layer of Saturday hell to buy a GRUNDTAL bathroom storage system. 

When they arrive at the IKEA car park they are horrified to see that every parking-ly challenged smoothbrain in Perth has decided IKEA was the go too. Brett isn’t proud that he stole a sweet old ladies park but if he had spent a single second more in that arena then greater crimes than park theft would have been committed. 

Before the maze, Brett insists on stuffing his face with the spherical grey mystery meat that he yearns for so much. This isn’t your average food court though. It’s a god damn Philharmonic of ear-piercing squeals from free-range children. 

Feeling as relaxed as Meghan in a Paris tunnel, they enter the maze in search of the mythical GRUNDTAL. Of course, Steph is armed with a recently paid off credit card so the odds of leaving this geometric prison with just one item is next to zero. 

Cracks in their relationship soon turn into faults as the tectonic plates of patience slowly drift apart. Brett can’t hold in his frustration any longer, “could we have just gone to K-Mart?” Steph fumes and goes for his jugular, “maybe you shouldn’t have gone to the pub last night with your idiot friends!” Oh boy. 

By the end of the maze, their relationship is in tatters like 1 ply toilet paper in Shrek’s bog. They are openly arguing while their child runs around putting his grubby hands on the pristine displays. It’s fair to say they’ve lost control as they enter the cattle shed of a warehouse to be lead to the final slaughter – finding their items. 

Brett insists he knows where the flat pack crap they selected is. Wandering aimlessly for 5 minutes proves otherwise. Steph increases her verbal attacks on her man’s competency. Which again, fair to say, isn’t helping matters all that much. 

If the oceans of affection were rocky before leaving IKEA than they are positively sailing into the Bermuda Triangle when they get home. In Steph’s spend-lust she acquired a LOMMARP display cabinet. An assembly process that will surely sink their relationship. 

After several hours of failing to follow the minimalistic instructions, Brett is grunting & sweating like a constipated wrestler. He admits defeat and the couple sit in icy silence staring at a poorly constructed half job in their living room. La dolce vita.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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