Each year, between August and October, male magpies will defend their babies via the ancient art of swooping cunts. This impressive display of paternal dedication puts a lot of you to shame. You could learn a thing or two from these feathered kamikaze kings.
This is an ancient rivalry between our species yet despite it happening every single year at the same time, local councils still feel the need to put up signs warning of the slight risk. This is just further proof of humanity’s increasingly brisk walk towards our own extinction.
Now, if one was to listen to hysterical full-time mummies on FB, one might be led to believe that during swooping season our local parks and thoroughfares are transformed into an arena of blood. In reality, only a small percentage actually swoop and even less fuck you up.
Naturally, the small risk of some impromptu eye surgery leads to a culling chorus each year. Crazy – how can any decent society wish death on an animal that shares a common enemy with us? Cyclists.
Yep, swoopy bois love doing their thing against loud-mouthed cyclists disturbing the tranquillity of their egg guarding duties. Indisputable proof that the humble magpie is on our side.
Of course, swoopy bois fail to understand the nuances of our relationship with people riding two-wheeled vehicles. Thus, the true nemesis of the magpie is our beloved posties. Their helmets cop more unwanted beakings than Sesame Street after Big Bird developed a taste for glory holes.
Conventional wisdom suggests attaching a bunch of pipe cleaners or cable ties to your helmet or hat will keep you safe. Alternatively, don’t wear a stupid hat because all one really needs is the finest pair of speed dealers from Caltex and a healthy distrust of looking up.
If you’re more intense, try to befriend your local magpies throughout the year with bribery. Occasional offerings of food will win you a family of magpies favour. Just like you buy all those Tinder dates dinner in the hope of getting lucky. You pathetic fuck.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?