Valentine’s Day is the skinny tea of the commercial calendar – it gives most people the shits and will appear prominently on the feeds of your least favourite influencers.

Getting to put a dollar value on your love – V-Day is essentially a chance to bribe your lover in the hope they forget what a mediocre partner in crime you’ve been all year. You can clear the slate by plunging yourself into financial ruin with lavish gifts, flowers and a dinner reservation. 

Reducing your desires to a monetary figure has been the secret to success of sugar babies, deadbeat corporate dads and American sailors in Freo for years. So don’t think you’re not in good company. 

It’s all a competition – V-Day is fuelled by the human desire to show-up that skanky hoe you work with who thinks she’s all that. Each social media post on the day is carefully curated to create envy, jealousy and bitterness in rivals. 

Romance was arguably dead before Instagram revived it and now it lives on as this soulless, zombie variety. Why else would any normal person spend 1.5 hours setting up a picnic and then screaming at their partner not to touch anything until a good shot can be taken?

Dealing with the pressure – no matter who you are, if you enter the battle royale of forced romance you’ll eventually buckle under the pressure. This can come in many forms, perhaps you’ve jumped the gun and put undue pressure on a fledgling relationship and muddied the waters.

Or perhaps you overestimated your ability to perform in the sack after a day stuffing your face with chocolates, elaborate meals and enough wine 

Alternatively, an excuse to put in no effort – you may be of the “I don’t need a commercial day to demonstrate my love” school of thought. This is typically championed by two types of people – couples who actually are sickeningly romantic all the time or people who don’t show any love on any other day of the year either. 

Either way, taking a strong contrarian view of the day is a perfect way to save money, time and avoid any unnecessary bonding. At least you have a vague justification for being a shitbag today. 

Single people – if you are lamenting your bank balance or the fact another girl on Instagram got a better diamond ring than you, spare a thought for the real victims of the day – single people who just want to get a drink. 

You’ve completely cooked the atmosphere of bistros & restaurants – low light, whispering, playing footsies or whatever primitive flirtation tactics you’ve brought to the table. So unless you’re Troy Buswell, you don’t want to be sitting across from an empty chair in such an environment. Thus leaving single freaks to skulk in the shadows like the Quasimodos they are.