Tom knew love was in the air when he knocked the top off his first pre-Super Bowl party froff at 6:30 this morning.
Sure, It went down like a bag of Doritos after having your tonsils removed but a disgusting break of dawn beer on a day off is still better than a Nespresso pod coffee at work.
To sweeten the day, Tom has a Valentine’s date with a girl who has heavily implied that he “will do” to help satisfy some of her carnal urges but isn’t the kind of guy she’d settle for. Win-win in Tom’s eyes.
It was somewhere between the 4th and 5th ice cold pint down in Northbridge that Tom knew nothing was stopping this train.
Tom told The Bell Tower Times,
“Girls love being surprised on Valentine’s Day and she’s in for a hell of one. I’m giving myself a 50:50 chance of pissing myself at the Italian restaurant ha ha. At least it’ll be a story for us, girls love stories”
Playing devil’s advocate, we suggested that perhaps he should review his playbook on this one. He told us,
“Yeah look, I’m surprised too. I promised myself I’d take it easy. Just a cutla cutlas, no harm done. Then have a midday nap and rock up with some flowers & chocolate bouquet bullshit but life is what happens when you’re busy ordering 8 am pints mate”
Sadly, it seems Tom may have blown his surprise somewhat by sending his date a message at 10 am. Approximately, 8 pints deep. By 10:01 the following hit her inbox,
“I’’m hard as a rockk alr eady .. dnt bother underwear 2nite won’tt need em HAHA 😛 😛 😛 😛 😛 i luv u”
Remarkably, the message was sent after checking with the boys. Who unanimously agreed, “don’t send that bro”. However, that’s the thing about Tom, he sends it.
His date received the text and instantly regretted shaving her legs. She told us,
“It’s probably the grossest message I’ve received in the daylight hours. Pretty impressive. He then sent me a Snapchat of him having a piss with the boys, as he yelled at the camera. Dicks fully visible at the urinal. He would’ve been in with a chance if he didn’t ruin the surprise though”
While Tom is sure of his ability to perform despite his already unsteady form, the bookies are less confident, giving Tom a 250:1 odds of actually being conscious at 7 pm let alone having the faculties to sit on a chair at dinner.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
