IN FOCUS: Woodstock

Woodstock has long been the prefered beverage of kids or fully grown graduates of the school of hard knocks. There is little in between. Once the sweet, carbonated yew-juice hits one’s lips you can bet something unsavoury is going to happen

Perhaps the most iconic Woody is the big can – 440ML. Thanks to its cheap price tag and modest alcohol content (4.8%), the big can is the best friend that will cause and stand with you through all your embarrassing adolescent moments of shame.

One would be wise to be careful of that cheap cola they use, it’ll rip through you like a bobsled team on two types of ice. Very uncool runnings if you are trying to charm anyone.

If you never grow out of your weak inability to drink beer, you may find yourself needing something a little stronger. You are a distinguished bourbon & coke drinker now so only the 2nd worst will do – the 6% aka “special” blend.

Thanks to Krudd’s bullshit alcopop tax a 6’er can cost close to $30, yikes! For that money, you could drink something that retains the respect of your peers. If you had any to begin with.

Playtime is over. If you want a can that asks everyone what they are looking at – it’s the 8% “select” Woody. While not the highest alcohol content of the range it does contain the most standard drinks on account of the 375ml size.

Each can is 2.4 standos and you can sink em faster than Clive Palmer in a canoe. Ignore the fact they taste like diabetic leprechaun babygravy and don’t stop drinking until electrodes have been fired into your back to stop your biting the face of a fellow Northbridge patron. It’s truly a villainous 4 pack.

Next up, is the 10% 365ml “superior” cans. Similar to its 8% cousin but they limit a human to only 3 cans per pack. This is for everyone’s protection. One does not simply slam 3 standos in a few seconds and contribute to society in a meaningful way.

Finally, for true connoisseurs, there is the 12% “reserve” (200ml) range. These are most notable for their size – a cute 200ml can of pure civil unrest slurry. They have fewer standos than the 8%’er but they can be easily concealed for the ultimate in public intoxication.

They are exceptional for guaranteeing yourself some personal space. Whip one out on a train and you’ll clear the carriage in no time. Train guards won’t bother you either as they get far more pleasure terrorising international students than a bonafide Woodstock warrior.

Tread carefully if you decide to have a big night on the Woodys. No one wants to wake up in a cold police cell with a Wood hangover. Something about that preservative ridden sugar shit that feels like an unlubricated cerebral gang bang in your cranium.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a WOODY, ay?