Each morning at the crack of dawn, the who’s who of people who post fitness mirror selfies on Tinder congregate at Jacob’s Ladder to awaken the surrounding residents with the sound of their overzealous roostering, cockhead-a-doodle-do!

Now, this isn’t a staircase for flabby arsed sacks of human-gelatin to smear their greasy failure over. This is an ascent of champions and only the finest protein shakers and bum selfie enthusiasts are welcome.

Before deciding to have a crack ask yourself, are you a professional exerciser who specialises in the discipline of stairs? Or are you a god damn nobody? Thought so.

Upon arrival, alert all relevant social media channels that you have arrived. Extra points if it’s still dark. Remember to make some kind of comment referring to the monumental challenge that lays before. If you are new to the ladder, your experience in F45 has equipped you well for this post.

Needless to say, appearance matters on the ladder. Only the latest in activewear, heart monitors and performance runners are permitted. Ladies are advised to apply a #nomake up amount of makeup and the men do their best to smell like the love child of a bottle of Rexona and a tube of Deep Heat.

Basically, you want to recreate the smell of your childhood sporting prowess before age cruelly relegated you to the interchange bench of life.

Once you have been up and down the stairs more times than a removalist with dementia you must take the time to bathe in the glory of your accomplishment.

Men, this is an ideal time to work on your award-winning fitness leer. Don’t worry about coming off a little creepy because your constipated Tarzan grunts and step-slags have made them moister than satan’s gooch.

Ladies, while copping the ocular equivalent of a 3 am weiner-pic, you should get to work on your second post of the morning. Take a good picture of yourself overlooking the view, throw in some generic inspirational bullshit and make sure every piece of filth still in bed sees how good you look even after supposedly redefining the limits of human achievement. They don’t have to know you only went up once. Our little secret 😉

Finally, to really cement your status as a Ladder-pro, remember to lament the time it closed for a few months and you suffered the biggest attention drought of your life.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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