Perth man Gareth has been working from home since the pandemic and has been left fairly shaken by the news an Eastern State’s woman was given the sack after her keystrokes were monitored. Leaving him to wonder, what other “strokes” are they monitoring?
With an obvious look of shame and self-disgust on his face, Gareth told The Times,
“They… they don’t know I’m doing THAT do they? My numbers have got pretty high but it’s helping my productivity. In fact, playing a little ditty on my meat recorder is what gets me through the lengthy periods of mundane work”
Gareth’s workplace has assured the man that no current employee monitoring technology has been implemented. A claim he isn’t so sure of. He continued,
“I’m pretty stressed now. I never thought to take the box of tissues off my desk. I’m sure that gets spotted during Zoom meetings. In my defence though, I’d probably be racking up high numbers at work too. Which takes way longer because you gotta make sure the coast is clear and the toilets are free. I’m saving them money!”
Gareth’s coworker who decided to work from the office because he hates his family told The Times,
“You don’t need dickstroke technology to know that guy goes at it. Every Zoom meeting you can see the twinkle in his eye. Thinking about the sweet embrace of delivering a palm strike to his little samurai the minute the call ends. I went around once and yeah, it’s nothing short of a total wankcave. I applaud him”
To ensure he has a job in the future, Gareth has started to cover his tracks a little more. No longer taking his schlong-smokos at his desk. Rather, retreating to the spare room. His fortress of dignity, as he calls it.
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