IN FOCUS: Suburban Man Caves

There comes a time in a man’s life when he just can’t keep up with the glitz & glamour of the local suburban pub scene. At this stage, he turns his mind into transforming a backroom or a redback infested shed into a man-cave.

Transforming a shed is ideal as the change of scenery helps numb the pain of spending yet another weekend drinking at home with the same group of degenerate dick heads. It also puts the final nail in the coffin of your dreams of being a DIY superstar. Rest easy, big feller, the lies you tell yourself can finally stop.

First and foremost, you’re going to want to drag in an old fridge that makes a baboon enclosure after curry night look clean. Resist the urge to scrub a single speck of putrid filth off it. It will add character.

Next, you’ll want to establish a “top shelf” booze collection that mostly consists of slightly better than Jim Beam bourbons and of course, a crown jewel – this could be a 1l Jack bottle or perhaps a limited edition commemorative bottle of Bundaberg that your uncle told you is worth shitloads.

To decorate the place, you’ll stick all the dogshit memorabilia that you’ve hoarded throughout the years. Including all the shit you bought over the phone watching the cricket and all the ashtrays, pints, road signs & beer mats you’ve flogged over the years. If a petty crime was involved, it should be on show.

There should also be a wall of various bottles/cans of beer you’ve consumed over the past decade as the centrepiece attraction. You may be tempted to turn them in for the 10c refund but can you really put a price on classic, outer suburban art? You’re fuckin’ Piss-caso mate, leave ’em there.

To keep your knuckle-dragging mates comfortable you’ll want to set up a couch that not even a Fremantle hippie would want to surf on. Complete the chill zone with an assortment of chairs you’ve found on the verge and some random-shit that can double as seating for the big occasions.

Entertainment is simple. You’ll need a TV with an extremely frustrating reception situation. This may involve spending the first quarter of the footy trying to find the right angle for the digital antenna you got or maybe it means having to “get someone to stand there”. Whatever it is, make sure it creates a good sense of rage amongst your guests.

Why rage? Well, rage is the right energy to a man cave. It will help fuel the intense shit-talking that will go on inside. This isn’t a place to civilly discuss the day’s events. It’s a house of one-upping, outrageous whoppers and stupid-as-shit arguments over pointless bullshit after consuming 20 beers.

If you’re worried about the ol ball & chain feeling left out and wanting to incorporate her friends into the hip new party area, then stop. You’ll have some extremely powerful, inbuilt female repellent measures inside the man cave.

These include but are not limited to, the corner with chunks of vomit you still haven’t got round to cleaning up, the lingering body odour that has possessed the very soul of the couch, and most importantly atmosphere inside. Which has slowly changed to only support methane-based lifeforms from years of Domino’s pizza binges.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?