Mr “A Current Affair” Journo

The Journo receives a hot tip from an anonymous source. Apparently, a landlord in Baldivis has refused to pay for the repair a tenant’s gutters. Before informing himself of any of the relevant facts the Journo knows the angle he is going to play.

It’ll go a little something like, “Perth’s dodgiest landlord refuses to fix tenant’s gutters and given that Summer is 9 days away, the landlord is directly responsible for the inevitable horrible bushfires that may ravage the property”.

That blithering bullshit is more creative than the interpretation of suitable attire in the waiting room of the Magistrate’s Court on a Monday morning.

The Journo knocks on the landlord’s door and immediately gets in his face, “you tell me how you can sit here, in a house with beautiful gutters, while your tenant will almost certainly be burned to death this summer?”

The landlord calmly explains that the tenant destroyed the gutters after being stung by the wasp of misadventure and pool-dived from his roof. The Journo dismisses this argument, “always passing the buck, well the people of Australia won’t stand for it, pal!”

The landlord gives him the finger and slams the door. The Journo has a cunt-gasm while he licks his reptilian lips, he will be able to make this landlord look a sinister as Rudy Giuliani at a teen pageant show.

On his way back from Baldivis, the Journo receives another hot tip from his producer. A Town of Vincent Ranger has told an old man that he cannot feed the ducks anymore.

The Journo feels the juicy rod of opportunity stimulate his manipulative kwon hole. He is going to burn this heartless public servant. How dare he deprive a man his right to feed ducks. The Journo gets in the Ranger’s face and demands answers.

The Ranger protests he is, “the guy was rubbing one out while feeding the ducks!” They want duck not a big load of wonder white.

The Journo is torn. He has enough footage to twist the Ranger’s words and exclude any mention of the wanking. Or he can run a new story about Perth’s worst pest.

Then it strikes him, why not run both! His feature that evening is a hit: a cold, heartless Ranger drives a man to unspeakable depravity by banning him from feeding the ducks! It’s unconfirmed but we believe he may have even entered a duck!

Turds that won’t flush bob happily in the stream of cheap, fear-mongering television.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?