Mr Freo Dockers

For decades, Ray has kneeled at the altar of the Church of Dockerology. His knees are getting weak but he still gobbles the throbbing cock of Docker’s fandom like a gay turkey at a City Farmer’s glory hole. Alas, Freo is a selfish lover and pursuant to a disrespectful blast, Ray is partially blinded to the harsh reality of an empty trophy cabinet. Nevertheless, we must all endure his purple sermons which are as convincing as a virgin giving a seminar on the Kunta Sutra.

As day breaks, Ray’s bare-feet make a sombre path towards his shed-bar. It has been 2 long years since he painted a premature tribute to the Dockers’ 2013 premiership. That fateful day in September isn’t spoken about in polite company as the distant memory of Ray trying to sandpaper off his Anchor tattoo is burnt into his Dockerling’s young purple minds. He slugs down a bitter sip of lukewarm VB as he updates his art, “Dockers 2015 Premiership”. Ray clears some foam from his goatee as he grins like Ryan Crowley at a Chemist Warehouse sale.

Ray’s cubicle is a sickening shrine to purple pride: flags, banner, Newspaper cut-outs and of course a Matty Pavlich bobblehead that overlooks his every move. If Ray is being honest, he would dissolve Pavlich into water and then bath in his Adonic glory. He would then dry off with a towel made out of Ross Lyon aka Jesus’ supposed genius. If Ross is indeed Jesus, then his only miracle is turning premierships into losses or draws. Or if you ask Ray, “he is the greatest couch to ever exist in the history of fucking SPORT”.

Bored, Ray decides to post a picture of the AFL premiership ladder and then tag all his Eagles mates, “oh what’s that? Top of the ladder, and oh wow, didn’t need any meth!” Predictably, his friends bite as he is being more of a shit stirrer than that Bell Tower Times cunt. A workmate responds with some light banter, “Freo were just lucky with injuries, the luck will run out, no way will they win the prem”. Ray chooses to respond in that heavy-handed way that has become typical of a Dockers’ supporter, “Turn it up mate, 1. We have FYFEEE!! (best player in the AFL – um better than Ablett lol) 2. our brand of DEFINISVE footy can SHUT down any team…, 3. Melbourne CANT handle the purple horde!,,, 4. Um hello? We have the super coach lol”.

A close mate who is sick of Ray’s shit decides to land the deathblow: he posts a meme of an empty trophy cabinet. The meme hits him harder than Jeff Farmer hit…. ah… that car side mirror outside of Crown Casino in 2007. Ray freezes, the repressed memories of the Docker’s bleak years come rushing back like a river of purple pain. He responds in the only way he knows how, he posts a Benny Cousins meme. The meme is instantly liked by 15 other members of the purple army. He then responds, “Fuck off Meth Coast Eagles!!!!, 2015 is a GUARANTEE, jealousy is a shit colour on yous!!!”

Ray’s wife has already made plans for this weekend. She fears Ray’s intensity on the biggest day of his calendar: the Western Derby aka the Dockers Grand Final. She simply can’t handle seeing Ray cry in the shower (again).

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?