Mr. “I Hate EVs”

Brolyn wakes up harder than a headshot on Oddjob during a heated session of Goldeneye. He has been dreaming of diesel soot again and deals with his aching gear stick in the usual fashion. 

After wiping his enthusiasm on his bare mattress, he claws at his side table for the ¼ can of Jack’s that he’d left from the night before. “That’s the stuff”, he thinks as he begins to plan his day. 

His options are limitless. The sun is shining, his hangover is fading and his piece of shit Patrol is ready to do something about the disconcerting fresh atmosphere he finds himself breathing in. If only it was that simple. 

Flicking through his phone on the shitter, he spots a FB contact post a photo of his new Tesla. Sadly, Brolyn must cancel his plans as he now has business to attend to. 

He flushes, stands up, and starts smashing his keypad with his unwashed hands. His soyboy-dar has gone off and he won’t stand for it. He comments,

“Always new u batted for the pink team ahaha yeah nah.. Oi hell green to charge ya battery with DIESEL generator ahahahahaha EV hope u got a fire extengwesha ahahaahahaha ai lololooll”

Another contact bites and asks Brolyn how he’s going to like it when fuel is above $3 a litre. Brolyn blows a head gasket and responds in all caps until he’s reprimanded by Facebook for several different types of hate speech. 

This is his 8th EV-related FB ban for the year and he can’t be bothered setting up another alt account so he decided to calm down by engaging in some relaxing tailgating in his trusty Patrol. 

After going several kilometres out of his way to try and look down the top of a Swift driver, Brolyn finds himself staring at an EV charging station. Unable to post anti-EV memes to his favourite groups, he scratches his itch another way – by parking across all the charging bays. 

He sits in his car watching the footy on his phone waiting for someone to step up for a taste of Brolyn’s unique brand of anti-EV rage. It isn’t long until a BYD driver pulls in and honks him. Game on, he reckons. 

To prove a point Brolyn gets out of his Patrol, walks up to the BYD driver, and tells him he’ll move his car if he admits he’s a “virtue signaling show pony who probably needed to recharge after reversing out of his driveway”.

Maybe it’s his charisma or maybe it was the tyre iron he kept mentioning was on his passenger’s seat but the BYD driver tells him what he wants to hear. Words can’t express how much of a victory this is for Brolyn, a high point of his life one might say. 

Brolyn then agrees to move his car. Or so he said. In reality, just sits in his rig revving the shit out of it until the air is thick with vindication. In his mind, he’s proven some kind of point and he’s filmed it all for validation of angry strangers online later.

Unfortunately, his behaviour has drawn the attention of the local constabulary. It’s not long until he’s explaining himself on the side of the road while the police inspect the unworthy shitbox he considers the high watermark of automotive technology. 

The police slap a big fat crooked canary on his windscreen. Brolyn feels pretty hard done by, after all, he believes that he was put on the Earth to educate people on the evils of electric vehicles. 

Not to worry, Brolyn has the remedy – a few cheeky Sunday pippys and a fresh slate with a new FB account he set up to abuse EV owners. 

Life is pretty good right now for old mate. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?