It’s been a year since Matty moved to Melbourne City and he has been too busy creaming himself over trams and dumplings to give his old Perth mates a holler.
Mr “Imma Move to Melbourne” finally took the plunge and had returned to Perth for a visit. He swaggers through Perth Airport in his leather loafers like he is on a mission to civilise the savages that inhabit his former homeland.
“I served Dane Swan a beer”, Matty smugly says to a disinterested Uber driver. “Good for you, mate”. Commuting fares stung while he was earning Perth wage, so on Melbourne wage, it feels like an overdraft wasp repeatedly stinging him in his chequered scarfed dick.
He arrives at his mates house dressed like he is there to redecorate their living room, “Perth really needs a Skybus like they have in Melbs hey”. His mate rolls his eyes and passes Matty an ice-cold Swanny D, “ta mate, do you know any bottlos that stock Melbourne Bitter? You have to try it!” He really doesn’t…
Matty rambles endlessly about living with Gumtree randoms in Fitzroy and his wild nights at Revs. “It’s a 24-hour club on the weekends, nothing like this 12pm malarky in Perth”.
Ease up, Matty. The group head to The Merrywell to catch up and enjoy some drinks. “Oh there is this little bar near me in Fitzroy, don’t even know its name, but $6 pints on Thursdays”. Well, that is certainly pertinent information for the group, mate.
After a few pints Matty suggests the group grab a feed, “where can we get some dumplings?” A mate mentions there is dim sum in Victoria Park.
Matty feels the slippery rod of pretentiousness slide up his Melb-hole, “ah no, not dim sum, mate, like a proper dumpling house, like they have on Little Bourke St?”
Later in the night, the group head out to the pub for more drinks. “People dress like shit in Perth, Melbourners are just more fashionable you know? 4 seasons in 1 day, you have to be prepared!”
His mates are conflicted: they are stoked to see their mate, but there is enough oral pollution coming out of his mouth to cause blue-green algae to outbreak in the Canning River.
Later in the night Matty is missing Melbourne and begins to whinge about having to get an Uber. “Ughhhhh, we would just hop on the 78 Tram if this was Melbs hey”.
Finally, a mate snaps, “mate, shut up, you’re in Perth, and it isn’t that bad”. Matty is so shocked the rubber band around his top knot almost flies off, “Melbs certainly doesn’t have angry bogans!” His friends just stare at his top knot. Sickening.
It goes to show, the only person more insufferable than Mr Imma Move to Melbourne is the prodigal son that returns from the promised land. 4 Seasons of Dickhead in one Wanker.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?