Mr Imported Car Enthusiast

Ask any dropkick. Any real dropkick. It don’t matter if you fail to avoid crashing by an inch or a mile, crashings, crashing.

Krys always knew he was going to make an impact on the import scene when he took out a loan to purchase a s13 Nissan Silvia – complete with green P plates. It gets sooo many Instagram likes brah.

Much like a bogan on a Bali honeymoon, he wanted his bargain basement model to be decked out with the finest knock-offs money could buy.

To indulge his boy racer fantasy, he needed some racing bride seats for his car. His first port of call was low balling car enthusiasts on FB buy & sell pages:

“Ay bruz, saw ya add… not payin 4hunge but… can get one from china 4 like $150 ay… swap ya a half Oz for it ai? Also… give ya a point for that exhaust… good shiiiii pew pew pew ayyy, keep ya up for a week ai”

Jesus, the only offer less appealing, is the spit-soaked fingers of a windscreen washer gesturing towards his braided slurry for a quick double digiting behind both types of bushes.

Within months, Krys’ Silvia had more Chinese parts than you’d find under a Beijing serial killer’s floorboards. But hey, it LOOKED fast. He knew it was his time to graduate from sheep to wolf and he organised his own car cruise.

He posts an event on Facebook, “The 7th Paul Walker Memorial Cruise”. An open invite to the sort of oxygen bandits that revere Paul as not only the greatest actor of all time but as some sort of drift-God.

Within minutes, a 16-year-old posts in the event, “O.M.G, im dying! PW saved my life! Literally will do ANYTHING if someone takes me with them!”

Seeing as Krys is on a longer drought than a dickcheese fanatic with a lactose intolerance girlfriend, he takes the jail-bait. “I’ll pick you up babe… riding in a rare JDM, so no teeth ;)”.

On the night of the cruise, Krys takes pole-smoking position and leads the attendees to Myaree for a spot of bubble tea. Seeing as his passenger is dressed like the love her father never gave her, Krys is quick to become toey and showy.

He chooses to reenact his favourite Fast & the Furious scene, he turns his head and stares deeply into his passenger’s eyes as he drives blind down Leach Highway. Within seconds he feels himself veer, so he has a gander at the road and realises he’s about to run a redder.

He slams on his brakes but having scrimped on maintenance his plates are looser than Pete Evan’s grip on reality. Well, he does manage to stop, not just himself, but the five rice burners behind him too. Absolute uninsured carnage.

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