Blokes are always asking me, “Keifo, why is my apprenno a little bitch?” Bloody good question. Having dealt with more apprentices than a second-hand ute dealer, I reckon I got this covered.

Workplace Harassment Laws – so yesterdee, I had me eighth HR meeting for the month. Some pelican told me that wallpapering my apprentice’s locker with print outs of big dicks and making him sing like a choir boy for a week was “harassment”.

Bullying made me the well-adjusted, hard as nails man I am today. I remember once I complained about a headache, so an old boss shat in my hardhat every day for 3months and made me wear it. It was a bloody good laugh, and even though I contracted hepatitis from it, at least I wasn’t a softcock. So, tell your apprentice to cry into a pillow, like a real bloke, and not to a HR rep like a little bitch.

Occupational Health & Safety – don’t even get me started. Back in my day, we didn’t have to bloody stop work every minute and discuss how a loose electrical cord could hurt everyone’s feelings. Boo farken hoo. We got the job done, no matter what the inevitable collateral damage was going to be.

I remember me, old mate, Macka lost a few fingers when he jumped on the bandsaw when he was maggoted after a pub lunch. Yes, he has to wank with his left hand but at least he never made the mistake again, and that’s priceless in this game. Apprentices these days have never had to fear for their welfare, and it really shows.

The Impossible Standard we Set – sometimes I get a little philosoftcockical after a coulpe of smoko bourbons. So, try this on for size, maybe it’s not that your apprentice is soft, maybe it’s just you who is hard as fark.

I had me first beer when I was 8 years old. Was parched after rooting ya mum ha ha, yeh, but, nah, seriously, Millennials are brought up on iPads, gender neutro toilets and hair gel. You’d be kiddin’ yaself if you thought anyone born in the 90s wasn’t going to be a total nonce.

Bloody disrespectful not to buy a bloke a beer after you wasted his smoko asking for advice, mate

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