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Mr JB Hi-Fi

You sicken him. You shirt & tie wearing corporate fuck. Unlike his made-up food allergies, having to serve you actually does give him the shits. You may have got out of bed this morning, but Thom is the one who truly woke. 

He dresses like he is auditioning for an episode of “Are you Wankier Than a Melb-grader”: a Norwegian punk classical string quartet band T-shirt tucked into ankle-exposing jeans, a fisherman’s beanie and a pair of purely aesthetic circular rimmed glasses. To make it extra clear he thinks your taste in everything is trash he tops the look off with a nose ring and stretched earlobes.

He floats around the store looking nonchalant and trying to avoid parting with the warehouse full of wisdom he possesses on everything. Unfortunately, a suited fuckhead with an 8 to 5, industry standard haircut approaches him for help. “Mate, I’m looking for a good portable speaker to take to the beach this summer, is this one any good?” Did this walking Mont Blanc pen-dick just call him “mate”?

His eyes roll back harder than the Cookie Monster after shelving 3 pingas. Why does sound quality matter to someone who probably unironically listens to Snow Patrol? He imparts some advice that is about as helpful as Windows troubleshooter on a computer in the grips of an advanced Limewire infection, “yeh dude”. 

The very sight of the customer’s American Express makes Thom recoil in horror. He feels like savagely Baa’ing at this charmless sheeple, but he is on his last warning after refusing to sell a box set of Big Bang Theory to a customer last week. He grits his teeth and completes the purchase. 

As the man leaves, Thom turns to a mate who seems to just linger in the store all day, “do you ever feel like, some people just don’t deserve music? Imagine how many ears he is going to infect when he plays his top 30 rubbish on that thing”. Like the Judge Judy of retail electronics, his pretentiousness is real and his scathing judgments are final. 

Unfortunately for society, one of the new girls called in sick and the manager needs Thom to man the music section. An unsteady vibe falls over the store when an old lady approaches him to ask what her grandson might like for X-Mas. Get ready world, Thom is going to be a bigger prick than a Coles’ strawberry.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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