Mr Perth Cyclist

The Tour de Poorcunt rolls along Mounts Bay Road on a crisp Sunday morning. The peloton of mid-life crisis is filled like lycra-clad men chatting incessantly about their ever important professional lives. Every motorist on the road is an agro bogan, and every pedestrian on the footpath is an aimless zombie that better learn the sound of his bell. Fuck everyone, Dave has 24 gears of pure aerobic arrogance.

The peloton roll towards Atomic Cafe in South Perth. Mends St is a rich and fertile grazing pasture for the pot-bellied men that have greased themselves up with smugness and squeezed into their racing lycra. The men navigate the tables while giving the cougars a hearty gander of their timid cocks poking out. Ah, middle-aged man chode, the perfect accompaniment to your eggs benedict. They talk loudly about suggested road policy, “it’s bloody simple, 1m buffer zones and 5-second head starts from the traffic lights, bloody simple stuff lads”.

The cycling circle jerk is compounding the hangover of a salty lad trying to find solace in his scrambled eggs, “how about you stop blocking the roads and use cycle paths?” Dave is so offended he almost takes off his Oakley polarised sunnies to respond, “it’s a disgrace that cars are even allowed on the road!” There we go, his true colours come out. The Pol Pot of road policy, under Dave’s regime, cars would be indiscriminately hunted down and destroyed, all in the name of the environment! If you were so keen on the environment, then stop spewing so many verbal pollutants from your gob.

After brunch, the peloton rolls on through the City, down Hay Street and onto Underwood Ave – the City to Surf of motorist inconvenience. A frustrated Triton driver beeps his horn and decides to overtake the group. Dave is in a cycling trance and ignores the warning signs. He decides to break from the group and show his peloton a thing or two about sprinting. He pulls out right in front of the accelerating Triton, causing the man to slam the brakes and almost lose control. “Ya fucking idiot!” Where is Warney when you need him.

At City Beach, Dave is still fuming. He updates his Facebook status, “some agro bogan tried to run me off the road!! We need reforms and jail sentences for motorists!!!!” Nah Dave, we just need anti-fuckwit vaccines sold at bike stores.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?