Mr Stereosonics

Timmy Shredz is Johnny NoHomo’s little brah and is a real chip off the old block. The day Shredz bought his Stereos ticket he uploaded a photo of it onto his Instagram account, #CalvinHarris #Skrillex #yehboi #StereosBitch. A year ago, Shredz was letting Nova FM dictate the tunes he listened too. However, one festival season and a trip to Ibiza later, he is an expert on dance music, “I’ll pretty much have Skrillex playing at my wedding day, fucking love dubstep bro”.

Shredz has been stepping up his fitness regime in the months leading up to November. “Boiled chicken and broccoli bro, every meal”. His body is rippling with misguided muscular definition. Health and strength take a backseat to his actual ambition: being the most shredded lad at Stereos. He plans to attract the type of girl who covers about 15% of her body, wears Nike Airs and calls soft-bodied dudes, “creeps” for looking at her radiant magnificence. It’s an unspoken law that the King and Queen of Stereos be crowned each year. Problem is, every meat-axe and sick-bitch is battling for the crown.

Shredz hosts the befores and struts around the collective of Ken and Barbie dolls that are yabbering on about pingers, “shit chyeh bro, I’mma double drop a White Mitsi and a Batman 30 minutes before Calvin’s set, I’ll be chewing my face off during his drops”. The true mark of a music fan is being unable to enjoy your chosen genre without being higher than an old boys belt-line. Shredz excuses himself, he needs to carefully work on his look.

He stands in front of his bathroom mirror. Tiny man-yoga shorts, a bright yellow singlet, a matching headband and a new pair of Onitsuka Tigers. He has a photo of Zyzz hanging on the wall, and he carefully styles his hair in the same way. He returns to his flock and whips out a Mr Universe flex. His attention-seeking is met with woots and hollers. He has achieved God status in the Church of shredded dickheadery. Johnny would be so proud.

Shredz is pinging so hard he can barely make conversation. His tight shorts have now turned against him. His little pee-pee is sticking out like a cute little tiny turtle. He spends the first 3 hours rave-dancing like a prick near the public toilets. Unsurprisingly, he misses every artist that he has been banging on about for the last year. Amazingly, he doesn’t actually see ANY artist perform for the entire day. Instead, he spends his day exchanging phone numbers with blokes and commenting on each others 8-pacs.

One of his new shred-buddies sends him a photo he took of Tiesto’s set. Shredz uploads it to his Instagram, #NightsLikeThese #LoveTiesto #MusicLove #StereosBro. Congratulation Shredz, it’s lads like you that have ruined music festivals.