Years spent laughing at inane Unilad posts had rendered Thommo the personification of a jizz-covered FHM magazine laying on the toilet floor of low brow humour. Everything he does, he does for the boys, and each time he is met with the battle cry of the lad-wit, “yeh the boys!”
The weekend has rolled around, and Thommo is in his natural habitat: an all-male binge drinking session in the same backyard he’s been intoxicated in every weekend for the last 5 years.
As they are as cultured as Pavarotti’s dickcheese, the day consists of drinking beer out of shoes, talking over each other and sharing bullshit stories about “two holes”. For the uninitiated, a “two hole” is what they call a woman, which is a truly appalling thing to say. Seriously, which hole are they discriminating against? Which orifice didn’t make the cut? #allholesmatter
Suddenly, an excited buzz falls over the party. Thommo has managed to convince a Tinderella to come over for a root. Upon her arrival, Thommo asks if his best mate can join. Like any member of a sports team, Thommo is under the belief that the only thing that can make sex better is the presence of another throbbing erection.
During the freakfest, Thommo and his mate pay more attention to each other as they high five and generally do it for the boys. Thommo is struck with a great idea, he pulls out his phone and starts recording the sex after all the boys have got to see this.
Later on, Thommo uploads the footage to a private men’s FB group, “I didn’t dog the boys, I captured the entire root with this two hole”. He relishes in his instant God-like status amongst them.
Predictably, news of the upload reaches the poor girl who almost dies of shame. She immediately contacts him and pleads for the video to be taken down. Thommo is aware, but like a webcam girl with daddy issues, he badly seeks the validation of strange men on the internet.
He decides to post her desperate plea for a jolly old laugh. “Farken feminists, trying to say what yous can and can’t post, ugly man haters lol check this two holes begging lol yeh the boys!”
Well, fate takes an ugly turn as yeh’ing the boys gets real. The girl reports the revenge porn to the police, and before long Thommo finds himself looking down the barrel of a conviction and a spot on the least prestigious register known to man: the sex offender’s register.
Perhaps he needs to go back to school to learn some respect, alas he can’t as he is now barred from being 100m near a school. Aw shit.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?