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Mrs Coronavirus Homeschooling

Maree resisted for as long as she could but eventually, she and Frank agreed that there were far too many “international” students at their kid’s school to continue using the teaching staff as babysitters. 

Despite Maree’s 4 phone calls per day, the school still didn’t have a homeschool teaching package ready for concerned parents. So, Maree bravely decided to put her 11:30 am Zoom wine parties on hold and jumped on the educational grenade for her little darlings. 

Before any actual teaching can commence, Maree needs to set up the classroom so she can flex on all those other mummy-blogging-manatees on Instagram. She channels her inner Kommandant and orders her kids to help her give the dining room the full K-Mart makeover. 

Place tags, stationery stations and an elaborate “MUMMY’S SCHOOL” sign which only took 3 hours worth of child labour to make perfect. Move over Kony, this woman runs a tight ship. Finally, she spends the remaining time before lunch drawing up a whiteboard. 

Now, in the right hands, a whiteboard is an average organisational tool. However, for Maree, it is the medium that she is going to convey how nuanced she pretends her educational philosophy is. She writes up the schedule for each child. 

She peppers the board with unadulterated bullshit, “yoga & breathing exercises”, “poetry”, “mindfulness”, “feelings time”, “holistic science”, etc. She was squeezing more shit in than an American’s arterial system. 

Once the class looks immaculate she forces her children to act as pawns in her sick game of mummy-chess. She takes a photo of the kids looking distracted under her whiteboard – aka the modern-day educational renaissance.

“Day one of Mummy’s School! Look at this little rascals! Bet they don’t get worked this hard at school 😉 😛 :P. Almost ready for lunch – Salade niçoise with homegrown greens! This mum does alright :P”

Of course, after the photoshoot showing this perfect harmony she is back on the phone to the school demanding they set up e-classes. Actually having to take an active interest in her kid’s education was never part of the deal. She can’t delay wine o’clock any later. 

Finally, the school sets up a Canvas online class for the eldest but her youngest has only been provided with material & worksheets. Maree spends 15minutes looking over the material before confusing her own lack of year 6 comprehension skills with the school’s failings.

She is straight back on the phone to berate the teachers for making the material far too hard for her, um, her kid. It is calmly explained to her that that is the level of material that is taught at school and asked if she’d like any help with it. 

Looks like Maree just got enrolled in her own Mummy’s School. She declines the offer and decides to take this educational journey off-road. By that, she means sticking her kid in front of YouTube while she goes upstairs and puts in her noise-cancelling headphones and gets blind. 

Sure, Mummy’s School has turned into Lord of the Flies downstairs but what Maree can’t hear can’t hurt her. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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