It’s Macca’s Monopoly time so Kristeen is preparing to gorge herself like Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Anacadona at the Tip Top factory. 

Sure, dooming her kids to type 2 diabetes for the likely reward of a small strawberry sundae might sound insane but Kristeen read a horoscope that assured that life might start to speed up. Surely this was an omen that she would win a Volks Wagon and not a ghastly prediction on her fast food bowel movements. 

Before she can start eating like an American with health care, Kristeen must first download the app. For a lady who kicked up quite the fuss over the COVID contact tracing app, she sure as shit has no hesitation letting Macca’s track her every move. 

Sadly, the simple act of downloading the app was thwarted by the cruel gods of glitches. For some reason, Kristeen is unable to scan a “chance card” that she got from this mornings coffee. 

Like any reasonable human would do, she jumps on Facebook and heads to Macca’s Oz page and let’s rip under a post about the competition,

“App NOT WORKING!!!! Tried to scan my chance card but it wont!!! Is that because I’ve won and you lot DONT want to pay out???????? I’ve seen MCMILLIONS – SCAM! SCAM! SCAM!”

In the meantime, one of her children notices that the chance card may not be scanning because of a thick layer of grease present on the code. Ah, done over by the 2 hash browns she had for breakfast. 

She decides against deleting her post as she has fallen into a trance with her app. She is presented with a digital game where she shuffles 3 hats and then picks one which will have some reward under it. It reminds her of those sweet summer days spent sitting on her arse in the gambling area of her last P&O cruise. Precious memories.

She manages to win a Big Mac and wastes no time getting into her Rav 4, “who’s hungry for lunch?” Despite it only being 9:45am, her little bloated balls of trans-fat aren’t going to turn down another Macca’s feed. 

She claims her free Big Mac and then orders a further $50 of food. She blocks the drive-through as she thoroughly checks her order to ensure she has got the promised amount of tickets. Holy shit, she notices her Classic Angus came with a ticket but the Big Mac didn’t.

A manager explains that only some burgers come with tickets and it’s all stipulated in the terms & conditions should she choose to read them. In retrospect, he probably wished he’d chosen his words more wisely. 

He is treated to a McFlurry of bingo wings as Kristeen unleashes the angst of a middle-aged suburban mother who fails to see the stupidity in blowing 100s per week on food to try and win a gift card. 

After returning home, Kristeen notices that McDonald’s have sarcastically included an exercise component in the competition. In a Pokemon Go rip off, punters can find more tickets or some shit by heading to hot spots on the McTracking app. 

She conducts this exercise component like anyone of her ilk would, by screaming at her kids to go and find them while she soaks her trotters in a foot bath.

Finally some peace, now to try and buy & sell Maccas’s tickets on Facebook. She’s lovin’ it. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?