You don’t spend a quarter of your adult life listening to podcast after podcast of gruesome true-crime stories without picking up a thing or two about forensics, investigative procedure, and general sleuthing.
See, Lauren has gone well beyond a typical true-crime ghoul and genuinely believes she has what it takes to crack the coldest of cases. Simply put, she’s confident she knows more than the police and is shocked they have never reached out.
We spoke to her while she was updating her true-crime blog. Today’s post was about the top 10 things the police did wrong in a 1980’s disappearance mystery. She told The Times,
“Everyday I see police bungle up investigations and I just think, hello??? My phone is right here, why wouldn’t you bring in a true expert? Sometimes I get sick of waiting to be contacted so I ring the information line and tell them what to do. Still no call back!”
Her husband agrees and says that his wife indeed consumes a ridiculous amount of true crime media. Adding,
“Have you ever tried sleeping while you can hear grisly details being recounted faintly through her headphones? Tell you what though, she’s a true detective. Was able to trace the splatters marks on the toilet bowl to our son eating a 3 day old Subway sandwich. She got her man that day”
As luck would have it, Lauren’s cousin’s husband is a police officer and fears family gatherings. He told The Times,
“I’m a traffic cop, mate, and every fkn x-mas I get Lauren in my face asking me why no one thought to check the origin of a wattle seed found in a backseat of a victim’s car or some shit. I have no idea what she’s talking about”
Sadly, why police don’t take her seriously is proving to be the one mystery Lauren can’t solve and it’s eating away at her. She has even begun to doubt whether she is a highly trained investigative specialist.
Just kidding. She knows she’s the shit.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?