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Ms Cat Owner

Ever since Siobhan dived into Perth’s dating pool she has dreamed of being liberated from the drowning boredom of existence like the beautiful lady-bug she is. Instead, she dodges the creepy crawlies that always seem to follow her around.

So, she did what any early 30s chick would do under the circumstances and purchased 2 cats to keep her company. It was at this point she felt a change coming on.

Her rapid decline into cat freakery was startling. Her social media were flooded with pictures of her “fur babies”, Squeakles and Mr Tummy Wummy. At first, they were just taken with her iPhone but eventually, she had some professional photos done up. Peak saddo.

Watching her baby-voiced Snapchats were horrible, they were like watching the Chipmunks perform at a helium factory. They pierced your ears and your will to live.

She was walking the thin feline of sanity until she decided to drag the dead bird of cringe-worthiness across it and drop it at your doorstep: she is throwing her cats a birthday party.

After 4 hours of her friends awkwardly watching Siobhan stick party hats on her cats heads and put a candle into a tin of Fancy Feast the soiree is concluded.

Singing happy birthday to a creature that licks itself was a low point for many. However, if they are being honest with themselves even attending felt a bit wrong.

But like Iain Hewitson with a stick of butter, there’s more! Because Squeakles hid in a tree the whole party, Siobhan drank 2 bottles of wine to wash away her sorrows and regrettably, she calls up an old flame.

HE comes over and is at first confused by the environment he has found himself in. Why are there so many framed cat photos? Why does it look like a birthday party? Is that a candle in a tin of cat food?

She snaps a pre-smash selfie with her little fur babies in the back. She uploads a cringe-bomb to Insta, “My little family xxx” – no, that’s not a family, it’s some guy you used to know and two animals that you own.

He won’t lie, he is terrified, but he’s bluer than Papa Smurf o.d’ing on smack. She leads him into a room filled with even more professionally taken photos of her cats. This brand of crazy makes One Hour Photo look like the Babysitter’s Club.

He thinks he can handle it until she starts gently purring and swipes his efforts at protection away, “no, I want you to put a kitten in me”.