The most important thing to understand about the BMX bandit lifestyle is that it chooses you – you do not choose it. Consider it the reward for a commitment to the kind of living that would make Post Malone want to get his shit together.
Your journey startss when you’ve popped a mono on a stolen BMX while speeding away from your baby mumma after she found another teen’s g-string in the pull out couch you sleep on.
Oh, and get used to that BMX. You’re a land cruiser now. Spending your day riding around some godforsaken suburb with disgusting bumbag full of the worst sticks society has ever seen.
Don’t let anyone accuse you of not multi-tasking though – not only are you providing some open-house quality weed but you are looking for naive car owners who thought their phone or laptop bag would be safe in their car for a minute. Nup. Not on your watch.
In fact, some say the reason for tucking your ears into your Monster Cap is to help silence the sharp disharmony of shattering a window with your trusty trolley pole – also your first line of defence against other BMX bandits on the hunt.
BMW banditry is a misunderstood art. You aren’t all about irresponsible parenting and property crime. You are also somewhat of an authority figure down at the local skate park. Especially after melting more ice than the polar caps.
Your tongue bolt, 28 years on the planet and your absolute refusal to punch the clock for a living is a powerful aphrodisiac to the local 17 years olds. Sure you dabble but your heart is always with your ride & die – no matter how angry she gets at you for absentee fatherism.
Nevertheless, when you live by the way of the BMX you always have the right medicine for matters of love. Sure you’ve let your baby mumma down at every stage of the relationship but you’ll give her a wedding she can be really proud of.
Your mate’s backyard, Aussie hip hop and enough Beam and cones for all attendees. You tell her to wear that tight pink dress that you prematurely spooged on the night you met. You wear a brand spanking pair of Dickies 3/4’s, skate belt and Globe shoes that are old enough vote.
All that’s left is to give you wedding vowels – say I yew. You may now dry hump you bride in front of your dad who has been granted day release for the big day.