Ms Dry July

As she forgets her reasons for running and the sun sets on a rainbow sky, Simone must mercilessly dry hump July’s new hashtag like her online relevance depended on it. #dryjuly presents a unique opportunity to marinade her ego in health superiority and then roast it in the red hot oven of clicktivism charity. The end result is a steaming pile of Instagrammable narcissism that is garnished ever so lightly with good intent.

Simone’s first #dryjuly post managed to say all the right things, “hey guys, this year I am doing Dry July to help adults living with cancer, eeep! #whatamigettingmyselfinto #dryjuly #cancer #sober #cleanliving #fitspo”. As the weeks rolled on it became apparent that Simone had spectacularly missed the point and never actually signed up to the competition. She then began to backtrack like Belle Gibson on a truth-hike, and clarified her pledge, “I failed at junk free June lol, so my Dry July challenge is here! Only 2 drinks when I go out #hermit #semidryjuly #dryjuly #2drinks #cancer”. Wow, her non-commitment to charity is more watered down than the spectators watching Iian Hewitson slide out of the Tunnel of Terror.

It’s the 30th of June, so Simone figures she deserves a night of liver-smashing overindulgence in honour of her upcoming month of semi-sauceless sacrifice. She teams up with her pinot noir-posse, and the girls neck alcohol like a depressed booze-elephant at a poacher-less watering hole. She uploads a selfie of herself holding a glass of house red, “my last drink before starting Dry July! #whatsyourreason? #sobersimone #braincancer #nosociallife”. She awakens the next morning feeling crustier than a stack of FHM’s in an outside toilet and uploads a selfie of herself with a coffee, “the only thing that will get my through Dry July 😉 #dryjuly #coffee”.

Simone can’t believe it, so far her #dryjuly has only netted her 1 extra follower on Instagram and a total of 245 likes on Facebook. To remedy this travesty, she decides to ignore Tropic Thunder and goes full sobe-tard, “#dryjuly has been tougher than I thought and given me perspective of just how difficult it must be to live with cancer #worthycause #dryjuly”. Oh yes, your one day of a donation-less pledge to limit yourself to a couple of wines a day is exactly like living with cancer. Someone hand her the Cuntble Peace Prize for amazing service in the field of shameless like-whoring. She ignores an email from a coworker asking her for the link so he can donate. “I’m raising awareness, not money, gosh”.

After lunch, Simone receives a text from a girlfriend asking her whether she is going to come to her engagement party. Simone is suddenly struck with a bolt of selfishness and can’t fathom the idea of her half-arsed #dryjuly bullshit getting in the way of her social life. Luckily, she knows exactly how to navigate this prickly situation. She jumps on Facebook and pumps out a status, “friends, I need your help! Please sponsor me to have a night off #dryjuly to celebrate my good friend’s engagement! #worthycauses #cancer #engagement”. Presumably, Simone will be giving these donations directly to cancer herself.

If the charitable tree falls in the woods and there is no-one around to hashtag it, does it make a difference?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?


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