If whinging about imaginary ailments was an Olympic sport then Eliza must be Complain Bolt. She sets the gold standard in self-diagnosis, hypochondria and dramatic attention seeking. 

Eliza catches up with a mate for lunch, “so what’s new girl”. Eliza starts blubbering like she’d watched the ending to Bambi while on acid, “just to add to all my other problems I am now lactose intolerant, I had a coffee on Tuesday and I felt so sick, I had to go home”. 

It’s true she was as sick as a backward Monster cap, but it had less to do with the tiny bit of dairy she had a lot to do with the 10 bottles of Rosé she demolished on the long weekend. 

Nevertheless, you don’t milk a lot of sympathy for thrashing your body like it was methheads boner on day 3 of a bender, so lactose it is. 

To make matters worse, she has woken up today with a headache and a cramping sensation in her stomach. Most of us would reach for a glass of water to hydrate, not Eliza though she is 20 tabs deep into Google Chrome and has pretty much convinced herself she has a combination of SARS, Coronavirus and Swine Flu. Perhaps a hybrid. She is patient X.

She takes a day off and calls her local GP’s practice. The receptionist knows her by voice and books her in for an “emergency consultation”. Her GP summons all the strength he has to see his least favourite patient, “Eliza? Come this way”.

Eliza proceeds to give her doctor a refresher course medicine. Explaining her Google findings lead her to believe she is the world’s sickest human. Her doctor takes a contrary view, “perhaps feeling run down is related to some lifestyle choices Eliza”. She doesn’t take that well. 

After walking away with a prescription to shut the fuck up, Eliza casts the attention net wide and “seeks recommendations” for a new GP. She goes on to add, “Hi everyone, I just had the worst experience, I can’t believe how uncaring doctors can be, not treating the seriousness of my condition with any respect!!!”

Her inbox gets flooded like it was an Insta-hoe on#freethenip day. Exploiting the sympathies of her friends is always the best medicine.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?