The WA Gumtree/Marketplace Pest

Gavin spots a washing machine for $300 in Yokine. To begin courting the seller he ungracefully mashed the “is this available” button before leaving the sentiment to marinate for several days. You can’t reel in a big fish straight away, you have to tire it out first.

After sevearl more availability inquries he cracks his knuckles and like Trevor Chapel in the 1981 Benson & Hedges World Series against New Zealand he sends him a disgraceful low ball, “Hi, will you take $40 for it?” 

Unfortunately for Gavin this seller has tangoed with time wasters before and finesses his offer masterfully, “no, piss off, price is firm”. Gavin sees this man is a formidable adversary and retreats in search of someone not so familiar with his bullshit. 

He gets a little bargain-stiffy when he sees an ad for a $200 washing machine that the seller has foolishly stated they “need gone ASAP”. Gavin has locked onto the desperate-scent and goes for the throat, “Hi, will you take $100 pik up 2day”.

The seller isn’t thrilled but needs it gone, “OK, when can you pick it up?” Gavin lulls the seller into a false sense of security with a timely response, “1 hour”.

While waiting for Gavin the seller informs 3 other people the item is sold and takes the ad down. You done goofed up, boy. Trusting Gavin was a rookie move.

Predictably, Gavin is up to his usual tricks and ghosts the seller like Casper after he hit & quit a clingy poltergeist. Why? Perhaps he doesn’t want the washing machine, perhaps he never wanted a washing machine, perhaps he just likes messsing with people? It is unclear. 

24 hours pass before Gavin reappears on the scene like a deadbeat dad on Dole day, “Hi, washer still for sale?” The seller gives him a spray, “you really messed me around yesterday, my removal truck is coming in 2 hours, can you pick it up now?

Gavin replies, “lol, ill thro in an xtra 15 k?” The seller finally feels like everything is going to be OK. Like a cuntodile lying in wait Gavin messages back 1 hour later, “can u drop it off insted? thro in an xtra 10, so $105”. The seller doesn’t even question the maths, “fine, address? I’m coming NOW”.

When the seller arrives, Gavin spends a painful 30 minutes inspecting the machine before producing $63.25 in coins, “it’s a pile of shit, here take it or leave it”. The seller briefly contemplates how bad a life in gaol really would be before conceding defeat. 

“Fine, you really are a piece of work, mate”, Gavin swallows down a hefty bourbon-reflux as he smirks, “I’ve been called worse, son”, as he taps the stanley knife in his top pocket preparing for another Marketplace related disagreement.

2 hours later, Gavin has the machine back up on Marketplace “$350, 0.6 cubic metres X 5000mm X 1 foot, pik up now Atwell”. He ignores several requests to send over measurements a person can actually work with. Gavin is too busy looking for his next victim after all.

He agrees to sell it to 4 different people and when they ask him for his address he serves ‘em up a big scoop from the shit-buffet and never replies again. Dick.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you want to lowball me how about shouting me $3.50 for a beer?