Faleeshia worked really hard to get to Coachella. Sure, it wasn’t work in a “conventional” sense, but if you’ve ever had to go on 3 dates with a Clive Palmer-looking man-walrus you met on Seeking Arrangements, you’d understand.

Like Princess Peach, she jumped on his mushroomy chode and levelled up to international influencer status. Cashed up, her next goal was to convince people this grubbily funded pilgrimage was a bigger deal than it was.

Her first port of call is to update her Instagram bio, “✈️ Sydney, California, Coachella 1 – 15 April”. Now, you think trying to pass off a stopover in Sydney as a holiday destination reeks of desperation? You haven’t seen anything yet.

When Faleeshia arrives in Palm Springs she spends her first day painstakingly applying a collection of stick-on crystals, glitter and tape to her body and takes a photo against a backdrop of catci, she writes the caption in pure bullshit,

“Throwback to my outfit last Coachella, always great to be back in the desert my lovelies, can’t wait to reveal what I’ll be wearing this year! Hehe, catch me in the valley for 2019! #staytuned #coachella #desertrose #ootd #shesgotthelook #diaryofatraveller #jelly”

Hard to pick what’s worse, faking a throwback photo or carrying on like you are in the fucking line-up. Of course, in a world of ever-increasing micro-audiences, every “star” figures they have enough greasy lust-telescopes aimed at them to make them some kind of wonder of the universe.

After this fuckery, Faleeshia meets up with her friend and they head to their Coachella camping spot with a total of 8 bags and 20 outfits between them. After all, any desert-influencers knows the sweets rains of attention-whoring don’t come often, so you can waste a drop.

Given the sheer number of artists performing at Coachella, it’s actually quite impressive that Faleeshia doesn’t manage to hear one full song on her first day. She’s too busy taking photos in front of a Ferris wheel while dressed like a cross between a Bras N Things catalogue and a fisherman’s trawling net.

Finally satisfied with the 540 photos she’s taken, she decides to have a little fun. She uses Tinder to source some drugs off some frat boy dickhead and utilises the powerful high of the molly to live stream herself telling anyone who will listen that she’s Tame Impala’s biggest fan- a bold claim from someone who has only heard the song on the Entourage credits.

It’s not long before endorphin levels drop faster than the desert temperature and Faleeshia decides to start some drama because her friend’s Ferris wheel selfie is outperforming hers. Accordingly, they treat their neighbours to the sweet lullaby of two hysterical idiots blubbering about banal bullshit.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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