Ms “I’m Getting Married!”

Unbeknownst to Dan, Mel had been planning her wedding long before the two had even met. Dan was simply the compliant sack of ring bearing DNA that would allow her to set in motion her big fat hashtag wedding.

Like the Greeks, her wedding had to be big, lavish and most importantly, shoved up the arse of every single, lonely loser on social media.

Dickless Dan soon came to learn that when it came to planning weddings his budding bride had all the chill of a mummy blogger’s boganlings on a Cottee’s Cordial factory tour.

A lesson he learned when Mel went full post-coital Praying Mantis on him when his only input to the dessert spoon fiasco was, “whatever you want babe”. In fact, the only thing that saved that spoon going through his eyeball was Mel’s sudden realisation that his stupid blinded face would ruin her wedding photos.

On the flip side, Mel locked herself in the toilet for 3 hours threatening to flush the ring when Dan suggested that excluding her bestie from the bridal party because she looked like a sack of butcher’s off-cuts in the bridesmaid’s dress was borderline insane. On that occasion, he was a control freak trying to ruin her big day.

Amazingly, Mel took Dan’s comments on board and decided the most elegant solution was to force the bridal party to commit to a 3-week alcohol ban and skinny tea detox. A plan about as subtle as Carmex on a coldsore. 

2 months before the wedding, Dan’s will to live smoulders like a decimated heap of rubble in Tokyo after a particularly devastating bridezilla attack. 

He barely even puts up a fight when Mel decides on his behalf to merge the Bucks & Hens nights into one whipped abomination: a “huck’s night”.

Fark it, it’s her big day and everything is going smoothly now. Oh except one thing. That pesky skinny tea detox has Mel’s bestie looking like a fucken supermodel. Her attempts at playing God had backfired spectacularly as Mel can be the only “10” in the wedding photos.

She calls Dan up while on his 5th consecutive day of overtime, “babe, what do you know about acid face attack thingys?”

Run Dan, run.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?