Ms Wellness Blogger

Just as Isaac Newton got sconed by an apple, Nelle had her “aha!’ moment when she realised vegetables had vitamins in them. It didn’t take long for a website written in Comic Sans to confirm her belief – vitamins are good for you so huge amounts of them must be GREAT for you. 

Fortunately, Nelle was able to keep an open mind during her research because she wasn’t poisoned by peer-reviewed facts. With that out of mind, she set up a health blog, “The Entire Larder”. 

She soon grew frustrated. Every mungbean was getting their mind’s fertilised by the living, breathing, bullshit machine Pete Evans. How was she going to compete with a man with access to every cubic cm in the septic tank of pseudo-scientific knowledge?

She is suddenly struck with a bolt of genius that almost knocks her Lululemon tights right off her healthy arse, “I’ll just tell people I cured myself of like Leukemia by eating whole foods!” The vegetables go in, and the terminal illness comes out: #gamechanger.

Nelle’s wellness blog really takes off after her miracle announcement and a testimonial from some healing crystal-crusader who totally couldn’t detect the lethal disease in Nelle’s aura anymore. 

She posts: “Ready, set, juice! Celery and chia seeds contain powerful antibodies that show diseased cells the door! Chemo? Hell no! #cleanliving #wholefoods #miracle #diseasefree #thecure #wellness”. 

Paging doctor dickhead, we need 50mg of celery stat! This patient is flat-lining!

The taste of blog success was sweeter than the #wholefoods she was spruiking, and she craved more. Feeling some serious #inspo, she posts: 

“After miraculously curing myself of Leukemia, I have now been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, I am saddened by this, but with the help of #wholefoods and #cleanliving I will survive”. 

She has entered the wardrobe and exited into a fantasy land that made Narnia seem like a viable holiday destination. 

Her followers boomed, and her #wholefood and #naturalmedicine bandwagon began to careen out of control. With the eventual news that she cured herself of pancreatic cancer, a growing chorus of sceptics began singing in sync: “what?”

It didn’t take long for Nelle’s dictatorship of lies to be overthrown by a logical-coup. In the face of outrage, she takes the only course of action a victim complex-cockroach can, complains people are being mean to her.

“I made a mistake, but you people aren’t treating me kindly!” Oh, someone call the waaaambulance, and when it gets there, inject her with a dose of boo-hoo curing kale serum.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?