So, you’re preparing to re-enter society after the COVID-19 lockdown?

Clean yourself up 

It’s time to pull the trigger on that iso-haircut. If you’re being honest with yourself you look like a stray dog that got a trim from Edward Scissorhands on a PCP bender. Try not to look at the look of heartbreak in your housemate as you shave off their follicular war crime. 

If you’ve decided to spend your iso time stuffing your face like a human anaconda then perhaps it’s time to buy some $1000 dumbells off a gumtree price gouger and sort yourself out – the appearance of health will be essential in the new world. 

Prepare to work sans 11 am beers

Without question returning to your physical place of business will be the cruellest barb in the stingray tail of normality. Working from home offered so much: complete control over tuna smells, avoiding mind-numbing small chat and most importantly the freedom to crack a motivational beer whenever you like. 

A mastery of breathing exercises is advised for anyone returning to work. You will find that your new freedom is short-lived if you choke out a colleague with your bare hands for breathing like an asthmatic goblin. 

Maintain a constant state of disgust

An important lesson that COVID-19 taught us is that everyone around us are repulsive lumps of dripping contagion that just waiting to exhale their disease onto you. Remember the looks of sheer looks of disgust you gave people when they came within your sphere of social distancing at the shops. Harness that energy.

For one, it’s fantastic that people give you personal space but secondly, flu season is around the corner, so a healthy disdain for our fellow citizen may just be the ticket for our best season yet. Don’t feel bad for treating a cougher like a leper though, no one expects the social scars from COVID-19 to heal immediately. 

Unleash all your new skills on the world 

Remember when you went in? You were going to learn a new language, upskill your professional toolbox and learn how to raise the perfect sourdough. No doubt you accomplished all these tasks and are ready to burst into the world like a renaissance money shot.

That isn’t the case though, is it? You’ve only managed to learn, “dos Cerveza por favor”, did a personality quiz and have a stinky tub of yeast fermenting in your fridge that seems to be trying to communicate with you. Next pandemic, ay?

Start lining up for the pub now

If hospo workers haven’t already been through enough, imagine their lives on the first-day pubs open. To say it’s going to be busy would be an understatement. 

We all know Perth loves 3 things – parmis, pints and queuing. May God have mercy on every hospo worker’s soul. To really seal the deal, given that paying with money is now basically in the same category as handing someone a steaming turd, there will be no tips. What did they do to deserve this?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?