The Perth Boomer

After 35 years in the same job, Frank has finally climbed to the staggering heights of middle management. His dinosaur-ic approach to work is only matched by his penchant for barking orders while his boomer-hole is filled with a gluttonous load of morning tea.

He should retire but getting paid thrice as much as a millennial to do nothing all day gives him a perverse pleasure. So, instead, he makes a nuisance of himself around the office while waiting for his next free meal.

When it comes to technology, Frank has two tricks up his sleeve: leaving voicemail messages and accessing Perthnow via “that Google website”. After his daily destruction of the toilet bowl, Frank logs onto his favourite News provider.

He spots an article about a millennial complaining about Centrelink taking too long to approve his Jobseeker claim. He stares at the article like he’d spotted a youth sagging his pants. The rage of pompousness pulsates through his sausage-like fingers:

“PFFT YEH RIGHT! Typical gen Y, oh poor me poor me. When I was that age, I bloody got a job, SHOCK HORROR! Didn’t rely on handouts or sook on the twitter BOO HOO WAAA WAAA. Needs a bloody boot up the backside if u ask me lol”.

Wise words from a man that entered an uncompetitive job market under the employ of his father. Besides, who wouldn’t want to follow in his footsteps? A man who stagnated in an ambitionless pool for 3 decades. A man who “bloody got on with it” rather than dared to remove the franga of complacency and bareback the shit out of his dream.

Panic comes over his face as he receives an email. He beckons his secretary in and demands a refresher course on how to deal with the bewildering situation. Thank fark that crisis was averted. He can finally get back to his beloved Perthnow.

He spots an article that puts his heart under greater strain than his generation does the welfare system. “Home Ownership Out of Reach for Gen Y”. He can’t believe this bullshit, what would an economist know anyway? Frank’s from the University of Life.

“Well it isn’t bloody rocket surgery, STOP buying iPads, get a job and save up just like their bloody parents did. BUT NOOO, that would involve getting off Myspace and not vomiting all over Europe! Worthless”.

A millennial fires back, “OK Boomer, you bought a house for fuckall 30 years ago and besides we’re too busy paying for your lots healthcare”.

Frank goes ballistic. Does this punk not know Frank owns 3 properties with a combined profit of negative $15k a year? He is a god damn tycoon. As for the healthcare strain, Frank is very happy with the public system; thank you very much you HECS-debt’d delinquent.

Well, it’s clear what Gen Y’s problem is, they got their sense of entitlement from their elders.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?


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