Mrs Facebook Complaint

Carol charges around the Woolies organic section like she’d seen the red flag of a cuntador. Her child screams with all the freedom of progressive parenting, and she loudly exhales to notify the world that she is aggrieved. Woolies’ crime? Directly causing the starvation of her entitledlings by not stocking organic mushed peas with chia and mung beans or someshit.

Like a sexually frustrated deputy headmaster, she clicks her fingers at a 15-year-old pleb restocking the shelves. “Do you seriously expect my child to eat Woolworths Select? Is it even organic? Really not good enough!” The pleb stares at her like a deer caught in the headlights of raging dick-headery. “Uh!! Let me speak to the manager, you CLEARLY can’t help me”.

Having staunched a mid-pubescent Clearasilcock, Carol prepares herself to savage the 20 something Woolies supervisor. The supervisor offers her no satisfaction, so she storms out as angry as Pete Evans after a TGA investigation.

She returns home and immediately gives Woolworths a 1-star review:

“I am appalled that in this day and age, I am unable to shop for the brand MY child likes. EXCUSE ME for not wanting to poison my child with non-organic rubbish! When I asked for help, I was met with unhelpful and RUDE staff! If I could give 0 stars, I would. Absolutely outrageous”.

Ah, the sweet vindication of the unreasonable bully. She proceeds to 1 star Baker’s Delight for not stocking bread with the exact combination of seeds that her child needs and then attacks her local swimming school for removing her child from the pool after losing bowel control like a drunk uncle on a pull-out couch.

“How DARE you create a stigma around number twos. My precious darling was in tears if I could give you a 0-star review I would! Outrageous. I demand a full apology!”

Carol is high on the thrill of acting like a baby without a bottle and decides to step up her online insanity. She stumbles upon a viral video of some risque comedy. How dare adult content float around the bubble-wrapped land of Carol’s Facebook.

With no hesitation, she resorts to reporting the video like the insecure crumb of human-smegma she is. The world must be censored, so her bubblewrapped view of the world remains unfettered by the barbs of reality.

Facebook advises her that the content does not breach their community standards and the video remains. Not on her watch! She posts the link in a group of like-minded captains on the SS Censor-ship. They bombard the risque video with complaints and generally behave like the video is the harbinger of social decay in western society.

She is unsuccessful on this attempt but armed with 1-star reviews and a report-hungry finger, Carol will continue to mope like an armless wanking-addict.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?