Welcome to the City that gets more bad raps than an Aussie Hip Hop concert. Mandurah – it’s better than COVID!
You may be tempted to jump on the train to Mandurah. Who could blame you it’s practically brand spanking new! Resist this urge, as the Mandurah line is like a high-end escort with HIV, it might look beautiful from the outside but the real danger lurks inside. Rather than roll through the Southern shank belt opt for a car that can’t be stolen and used in a ram-raid.
Top Experiences in Mandurah
The quirky sign tour of Perth
What a treat for any international visitor you’re chaperoning. If you’re coming from Perth you’ll get to point out numerous “Cockburn” signs and then hit them with the main event – the Mandjoogoordap Dr sign on the Freeway. Mandjoogoordap is the Noongar name for Mandurah but for you, it’s a chance to get lost in elocution madness and briefly forget you’re actually heading there.
Mandurah is like the Florida of WA – nice weather, coastal living, inbreds and of course boomers spending their kid’s inheritances on a boat they don’t know how to use. Just think back to Rex Hunt – when he wasn’t thanking your mother for rabbits for some weird reason he was inviting you down to retire down at Port Bouvard. If you need to spice up your retirement life why not try a little canal? 😉
Smart St Royal Rumble
Ironically, the smart move would be to avoid this “entertainment” strip at night. All that is really missing from Mandurah nightlife is Mike Whitney dressed like a soccer umpire asking you if you’re ready. It’s best to keep your eyes to yourself and stay off the radar of the numerous Jet Pilot bombers that patrol the area looking launch a strike. If you do manage to piss someone off you’ll be left wanting your money back like a Thomas Cook customer.
Sell some hair or urine
Mandurah doesn’t win much but it did win the chance to be involved in the Government’s drug test for welfare trial. Yes, the same politicians that vote on our nation’s future while half boozed or coked-up are making life immeasurably harder for addicts. Thus clean hair or urine will be quite the commodity in Mandurah. After all, this is the future the Government wants for us – just a huge flea market of people trading bodily fluids so they can take home 200 bucks a week.
Contract a blood-borne virus
Mandurah leads the way in blood-borne viruses. You can either get one while sampling the produce from the ice capital of WA or you can get one when you are eaten alive by the out of control mosquito population. No matter how you do it, no one leaves Mandurah without a little prize.
To really rock the estuary look you’ll need to shave your head, grow a disgusting goatee and then purchase the finest in speed dealer wrap-a-rounds from the servo – the holy trinity of aggro. Be sure to have your postcode tattooed to your neck.
Mandurah is all about the crabs. You can catch em on Tinder, a nightclub toilet or if you’re really keen down in the estuary. Of course, as many local crabbers know the secret to the perfect blue swimmer recipe is a sprinkle of fisheries violations. Pile up your bucket with undersized crabs and then act ignorant when you’re caught for the 7th time that season.
“Yikes” – Mark M