One consequence of the Beyoncefication of the world was white girls yearning to develop an arse with a gravitational pull. Of course, genetics is a cruel mistress and not everyone’s butt-scape looked like Mount Kosci-arse-szko so “fashion” stepped in.
Scrunch bum leggings were designed to accentuate the curves of the arse. Alas, the ugly crunch pattern resembled the terrifying gnawing teeth of the Sarlacc Pitt and instead of Boba Fett hurtling into the intimidating crevice, it’s your imagination.
Naturally, an online community that is unburdened by a sense of modesty swooped on these full arse g-bangers – the influencer sector. It wasn’t long before the scrunch bums became the domain of girls who wear more make-up to the gym than an Essex glamour model on a hens night.
These peacocks aren’t unveiling their arse-crack feathers at just any time though. Oh no, the scrunch bum enthusiasts must wait until it’s peak time at the gym; the aim of the game is attention.
Especially from the sort of roided-up dickhead who loves the look because it reminds him of the time he had to shove toilet paper up his Kwon to stop his Bali belly evacuating the pinga he’d just shelved.
Once at the gym, the wearer will choose exercises that promote a full vision of her derrière – squats, calf raises some freestyle pilates, anything as long as her #boyfriendofinstagram can get a good shot for the day’s unsolicited workout tutorial. He snaps away while his cucked dick turtles so far into his body it’s attending a kidney party.
After a gruelling 20 minutes of prancing around the gym, the scrunch bum wearer will take the show on the road. If you’ve got a beach walkway you’ve got a catwalk.
After sufficient eyeballs have gazed upon this wedgie monstrosity she can go home and rescue the trapped fabric by performing a deep dive that could rescue a Thai soccer team.