You may be thinking, “Perth Glory? Didn’t we take that off the hinges and exhibit it in the museum?” A fair mistake to make, but no, it’s Perth’s only A-League soccer team, but much like the historical dick hole, seats at their games have largely gone unfilled in the last decade.

Of course, if you said, “Perth Glory? I bleed purple!” You may be a Glory Shed member; the fanatical group of middle-aged admin receptionists, Balkan war criminals and Butler house & land package devotees that would live at HBF Stadium if they could. However, it’s far more likely you are a bandwagoner. 

How can you figure out which one you are? Well, the average attendance at Glory homegames this year was 10,861, whereas the crowd at Perth Stadium this Sunday is probably going to top 50,000. You do the maths.

Why 50,000 this week? Well, there is nothing like a grand final to help people remember how passionate they claim to be. Accordingly, Sunday is a big day for you, and perhaps it’s the first time you get to show your kids that a team dressed in purple actually can seal the deal.

If you do make up the army of fairweather fans there are a few precautions you should take to help fit in:

  1. Liberally cover your brand-spankin’ scarf and shirt in a thick residue of crushing disappointment. Real fans have felt the purple impotence since the team’s entry into the A-League. Culminating in a premiership blue-balling in 2012. That’s the kinda history that gives memorabilia a rustic stain.
  2. You’d better learn the names of a few of your “boys”. Just like a Richmond “fan” knows Dusty, you should at least know Keogh.
  3. Similarly, if you want to avoid any ocular hooliganism from the Shed fans, you should learn some of their songs. While AFL fans get lost in the rhythm of the boo, Soccer fans like to sing like a pub drunk at closing time.
  4. Don’t say the S-word. There is nothing a hardcore fan hates more than someone calling their beloved game soccer. Say football, no matter how much it hurts.
  5. Before the game, write an emotional tribute on your Facebook or Instagram page about how you’ve been waiting your whole life to see the Glory take out the A-League cup. Don’t worry, no one will think you’re full of shit, it’s perfectly normal to never speak the name of the team you love so much for over a decade #onemission.

Remember, on Sunday, you are obligated to write a further emotional status about the outcome of the game, before returning to your regular life and forgetting the Glory even exist for the rest of the year.

Just like that, you’ve done more for them than actual membership & habitual support ever could.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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Or PayPal if you bleed purple: