1. You get what you pay for

A “free consultation” isn’t a service lawyers provide to the community. It’s more like an Isagenix sale pitch designed to blow more smoke up your arse than an electrical fire on the set of a gape-porno. If lawyers aren’t working for money, they are looking for ways to get your money, so if you want the best basic overview pay for an hour consultation at least.

2. No Win, No Fee

Oh lord, this is the sweet symphony that plays on the grand concert halls of billboards and late-night television ads. What does it mean? Well, it means the law firm is confident your case isn’t pathetic enough for them to not recover their fees and if you’re lucky you’ll get thrown the crumbs from the settlement. Oh yes, settlement. Think you’re going to trial? Well, better believe there are some fees there – filing fees, expert reports, some shit your lawyer made up because he needs a new Rodd & Gunn business shirt. Ain’t no free lunch at the law buffet.

3. Second Opinion

Take a moment and remember what advocacy is all about. It’s the science of debate, or more realistically argument. Basically, the law is like Perth road rules – everyone has a different interpretation on them. It would behove you to at least speak to a couple of lawyers before signing a costs agreement with a firm.

4. They are your lawyer, not your friend

It’s a cruel irony of life that the person most positioned to change your life for the better is also the person who cares about you the least. Of course, they may be charming, they may be personable, but at the end of the day your lawyer is working for a firm that refers to them as a “fee earner”. Imagine that, it’s like calling your daddy-daddy a sperm donor. Their allegiance is to their firm’s bottom line, get used to it.

5. Save your queries

Lawyers don’t see a day as a 24-hour realm of endless possibilities. They live it 6 minutes at a time, what’s known as a “billable unit”. Every 6 minutes of their time must be recorded for the sake of their money-obsessed overlords. What does this mean for you? Well, every phone call you make to check up on your matter is going to cost you about $50 (lol). So, do yourself a favour and collect all your queries and speak faster than a Government spokesperson at the end of an election ad.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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