The UK has been rushing to contain the catastrophic impact Pier Morgan’s Ashes meltdown will have on the nation’s reputation.
While the cracks were forming well before the test was officially rained out. It was Piers Morgan’s subsequent carry-on that led Austtrailans and English alike to all say in unison, “what a dickhead”.
We spoke to a British MP who had been tasked with the containment and salvage of England’s reputation. He told The Times,
“If we could legislate a law saying that Piers Morgan couldn’t tweet we would. Unfortunately, like you, we are stuck with his cretinous musings and crybaby bollocks. We understand you have a similar issue with a man by the name of Lord Kane Cornes”
While many punters are enjoying roasting the hypocritical blowhard on social media, those on the ground have serious concerns as the meltdown continues to spiral out of control. We spoke to an English cricket fan who told The Times,
“I don’t want the world thinking we are all as sore a loser as Piers. Rain delays are a part of the game and from memory, it’s us who wrote the rules. So it is how it is, innit? Please don’t think we’re all like that attention-seeking git”
To make the impending disaster even more troubling, NASA has reached out to No.10 Downing Street and advised them that they can even hear Piers crying from space.
One can only ponder the ramifications of a man crying so hard it defies the laws of physics itself and creates sound in the vacuum of space. That’s a pretty serious tantrum.
Dry your eyes Piers and make check back on your own contrary statements about relying on the rain to retain the Ashes.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?