Like Oscar Pistorius, Dev just can’t stand what might be lurking behind the door, so he became an AusPost delivery man. After all, there could be a dog, there could be a volatile ice lab or most horrifically, there could be a paying customer waiting for their delivery – the horror.
In fact, when you actually do cop a package you are as shocked as a knife at a toaster party. You’ll be telling your grandkids about it one day.
Summer is Dev’s most hated period of the year. Little Timmy wants the x-mas present his step-dad promised, Ciara wants her new bikini for “douth” and of course, young Dylan wants his dark-web synthetic chems so he can get as cooked as Red Rooster car-boot chook.
Dev also knows that his kind are being scrutinised, and the “I came but you weren’t there” is sounding much more like a creepy Instagram message than a legitimate excuse for not knocking on the door.
He knows he has to at least make a token effort. So he approaches a property and waits for their dog to start barking. His knock is softer than a dexie donger and lasts about as long at the critical time.
Boom, like the Cuntsain Bolt of postal services, Dev is at the letterbox placing a pre-written “missed you” card. He then pretends not to hear the yells from the woman who just opened her door as he starts his engine.
On his next delivery, he notices the package can be left in a safe spot if the owner isn’t home. True to form, he doesn’t take the risk and decides the package is best placed in full view of any passing opportunist. Safe is a subjective term.
Dev is on a roll, he’s making excellent time and hasn’t bowed down to the formalities of customer service once. His next package is covered in fragile stickers – clearly, the cargo is as easily broken as an emo’s heart. Lucky Dev is on the job.
Alas, the property has a gate he has to open. He can’t risk the creaking gate disturbing the resident. So in an act of total selflessness, and care for the resident’s rest, he lobs it over the fence like it was a dog turd in a neighbourly dispute.
It will be a good day when Jehovah’s Witnesses take over this caper – they are annoying but you can be sure they’ll knock.