IN FOCUS: e-drinks

Programs like Zoom & House Party are the prophylactics that we slip over throbbing social urges to ensure safe interaction. All across the nation, people are logging in to chase that feeling of normality and to stave off the descent into the manifesto writing, Unabombers we’ll all inevitably become if this isolation shit doesn’t end. 

Much like real social gatherings, this is an opportunity to flex on your friends with how sophisticated your iso-life is. To that end, your friends mustn’t see how you are really living in isolation. 

To assist with the grand illusion, people will actually take a shower, give their Bintang singlet a rest and hide that Vienetta that they have been eating directly from the tray with a wooden spoon. They aren’t ready for that… the world isn’t ready for that.  

When the webcams turn on something clicks inside you and you’re not sure whether this is about to be a job interview or your friend is about to ask for tokens to insert that lamp into an orifice of your choosing. 

Thankfully the presence of drinks & snacks helps you ground yourself for the “party” and those seedy nights spent in a puddle of your own puberty fade back into the hurt locker. Keep that shit closed. 

It wouldn’t be Australia unless someone’s piece of shit internet connection frustrated matters. Alternatively, if you are including an uncle, their technological heathenism will have a similar effect. 

Sadly, living under the virus’ regime means we need to make hard choices and the weak must be left behind. Don’t hesitate to order the deadweight away. They are only bringing you and your friends down. 

Again, just like real parties, you will get several participants who are only doing this so they can take a screenshot and post it to social media. Please be aware that if you do a Houseparty you will end up on social media. Hiding that Vienetta situation is, therefore, god damn essential. 

After sharing a few laughs the real benefit of Houseparty comes into its own – leaving the party with ease. Enjoy the most carefree ghosting of your life. Everyone knows saying goodbye at a party is annoying so relish in the opportunity to slip away without adhering to social pleasantries. 

As a final thought, consider a possible consequence of the Houseparty craze. Most of your friends will accept that this is a temporary fill-in for the real thing. However, others in your circle will get a distinctly different impression. 

They will realise they are in your “bare minimum” category of friendship. Sure in the old world you bailed on every event they invited you to but now that you don’t even have to leave your house? Friendship reinitiated. 

What a warm feeling that is. Cheers COVID. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?