The Facebook Snake Wrangling Expert

Karl is a shit-talking-serpent, slithering through the tall grass of ignorance to ambush unsuspecting prey with a hefty dose of reptilian drivel. 

Much like snakes, Karl is more active during the warmer months. More snake sightings on local community pages mean more opportunities for him to show off his armchair Ph.D. in ophiology. A PhD he obtained via the University of half-reading Wikipedia articles and a Masters of watching Steve Irwin 15 years ago.

As luck would have it, a member of a suburban group he is in posted a photo of a snake in her backyard, “can anyone ID this snake??? What should I do?!?” 

Most of the replies are tagging local snake relocators to weigh in on the subject and offer their services. Not on Karl’s watch though. Ring a farken ding, class is in session, plebs. 

“Ha ha city slickers r useless ai… u got a western brown there mate. Judgin by its scale patten id say a juvie which is worse cos evry bit will be a wet bite… u need a box and a stick. Need to lure him to grass then he wont be able to hear u move the box as well. Relocate to grass land nearby. Piece of piss.. What they teach use in school ha ha lol”

A local reptile expert comes in hot to try to undo some of the terrible advice offered by Karl. He replies, 

Under no circumstances listen to this clown, give me a call and I’ll come sort him out for ya. It’s a mature dugite by the way Karl and you should never try to move a snake without knowing how”

Karl didn’t like that. You have to understand, you can’t simply rebuke a man who tells people he did a snake-handling course up on site. After all, they don’t know that’s not true. His dickheadedness starts rattling in anger as he proceeds to defend his honour,

“Fark off u muppet… this WESTERN BROWN just come out of hibenashun.. Maybe a day ago! Extra VENOMUS this time of year and wont be any defense bites mate… by the time u 

get there it woulda attacked ladies dog… so yeh CLOWN mayb she should listen to me!!! Lol”

The specialist again administered some fact check anti-venom for Karl’s claims,

“Snakes actually brumate not hibernate, it’s a common misconception and also they are venomous all year around, humans are just less likely to encounter them in cooler months. I’ve made contact and will be there in 15. Have a good day”

After threatening to come to the bloke’s work and bite his face like a cornered taipan, Karl is booted from the group. Again, not on his watch. 

20 minutes later, Karl returns as one of his alts. This time he is claiming to be a relocation specialist and slanders the expert who dared question his authority before. Claiming every client of the man has ended up dead with over 20 snake bites. 

He proceeds to upload a video of himself pissing off a tiger snake camping a few years ago and demonstrating his “mongoose” style snake catching ability. Everyone in the group would be lying if they said they weren’t praying the snake latched onto Karl’s old feller and delivered some karma. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?