The Office Manager

The only thing tighter than the ship Cheryl runs is the hair in her no-nonsense workplace bun. That shit is so tight you could run a violin bow across it and hear the dull harmony of acceptable grooming standards. 

Don’t let the bizarre desk-shrine to her fur babies fool you, Cheryl is not to be fucked with. She is a clipboard assassin that will not hesitate to measure out a length of red tape and snuff out your professional hopes and dreams.

It’s Tuesday and Cheryl is mother-goosing around the office laying eggs of passive aggression. She notices that *once again*, the lid on the biscuit jar has not been closed properly. Could she just close it and get on with her life? Oh, Christ no. 

Open up your email-hole people, because Cheryl is about to CC you with some correct office etiquette. She begins typing the 10th email of its kind for the day when the serenity of the day is blown apart… the fire alarm. 

For most, it’s a mildly inconvenient drill, but for Cheryl, it’s pretty much desert storm. She grabs her little red helmet and begins frogmarching slow millennials out, “FORGET YOUR PHONES, DO NOT TAKE YOUR COFFEE, PROCEED TO THE EVACUATION POINT”. She loves it. 

A cocky young upstart decides his coffee is more important than Cheryl’s regime. Of course, this isn’t Cheryl’s first rodeo and she is quick to identify the keep-cup smuggling shithead. She bails him up and gives him the kinda spray that would make a school shooter support gun control. 

This act of hot beverage defiance has earned the young worker a powerful enemy. Cheryl plots her revenge – wouldn’t it be such a shame if someone’s recent annual leave form was to go… missing. Oh Cheryl, you evil bitch. 

Her cold death mask of a face cracks a rare smile and she is lost in the throes of a schadenfreudian power-gasm. To keep her lady river flowing, she decides to fuck everyone’s shit up and re-order everything in the office.

Poor old karl will never find the pens now. Perhaps that was all part of her twisted game? Either way, she makes sure she sends out an email alerting everyone to the fact SHE had made things more efficient and any attempt to ervert back to the old system will be met with a swift death blow of disciplinary procedures.

King kong ain’t got shit on her.

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