You don’t make it in the angling world without making a few enemies. Accordingly, Ben is about as popular in the fishing community as Tom Hanks holding up the queue at a Somalian boat ramp.
Last year he was just like you, a fishless loser that couldn’t even catch a bouquet at a Hobbit’s wedding. That was until a good mate started taking him out on fishing day trips. At every good spot that they went to, Ben would sneakily fire up his Navionics app and mark the spot.
Soon, he went on a spot stealing spree like a last minute Christmas shopper in the Garden City carpark. It wasn’t long before it was pretty common to run into Ben looking like a dick in a Shimano rashie at the spot you showed him last week.
Ben was burning bridges like it was 1633 in London; not that he gave a shit as the only friends he needs are hulking dhuies that he can pose with for Tinder photos. If there is a better way to show ladies that you won’t release prematurely and can handle strong piscine odours, Ben would like to hear it.
If the photos of his catches didn’t send the women of Perth into a feeding frenzy, then his bullshit ridden captions on Instagram would. Every fish he caught came with a Moby Dick-esque battle story – always carefully glorifying the role he played in the epic battle of Ben v Beast.
Of course, he also catered for the sapiosexuals out there, by posting screenshots of his fish sounder and rattling on about the “months” of planning and scientific know-how that went into “finding” his spots and catching the fish. Fuck John Howard’s firearm’s amnesty, Ben’s mind was a gun that would never stop shooting.
With the right bait you can catch anything, and somehow he managed to get the attention of a lady who wanted him to come good on his promise of freshly caught crayfish. Not a problem, he would just rely on his tried and test method of shoplifting from the fish market of the sea – other people’s cray pots.
Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for society, the pot owners had a similar hankering for cray that evening and spotted him mid-raid. There is always one that gets away, and this time it was Ben’s involuntary bowel movement after a few knife threats from an irate cray fisherman. Justice.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?